Dr. Erin is back in the house today for another round of Dear Erin, questions. Before we begin, I am going to need some vodka. We have some very important questions to answer today and to do so, I must make sure that I am in the proper mindset to hand out such fragile life changing information. One moment please.
Okay, thank you for your patience. I believe I am now capable to offer only the utmost responsible advice. Lets start with our first question for today’s segment.
Recently my husband and I have been fighting about money often. He thinks that I spend too much, and I think he is a cheap ____. How do we stop the fighting and find a happy spending/saving balance?
Spending In Seattle
Dear Spending In Seattle,
Weird. It sounds as though I wrote this very question. Here are my words of wisdom on this topic: start drug smuggling. I know that this sounds a little scary and like something that is not exactly legal, but let me explain. The only real way to solve this problem between you and your husband is to have more money to spend [preferably money that he doesn’t know about]. Obviously getting a second job is out of the question because that requires putting in time that should be spent on shopping. Along the obviously lines, agreeing to just spend less and save more to appease your husband is also not an option as that will lead to a very deep, dark, life that none of us should have to live. Which is why I go back to drug smuggling. The hours are minimal, it gets you out on the streets which puts you closer to the mall, and because you will have it spent before you have the chance to put it in a bank account [i think that’s what they are called], your husband will have no idea that you had it in the first place. Maybe just keep some pepper spray on you for ICE purposes. Not that I foresee having any “emergency” situations when drug smuggling, but you never know who is going to try to get that striped nautical shirt for $3 on the clearance rack at Gap before you. Safe over sorry, you know how it goes. Before you know it you and your husband should be back to the truly madly deeply state Savage Garden taught us all about.
ps. marry rich next time.
I am single but don’t want to be. How can I fix this situation?
No Longer Want To Be The Title Of A Beyonce Song
Dear No Longer Want To Be The Title Of A Beyonce Song,
You don’t want to fix this situation. If you do, you will be drug smuggling soon. Don’t tell anybody, but this means that you will most likely either be dead or in jail within a few months. Stay single, life is there.
ps. If you still feel the need to find yourself a mate, start texting/calling/emailing/showing up randomly/talking about marriage/babies/and growing old with your crush. I heard never stopping any of the above works wonders. Oh, and cry A LOT around them. Boys love that.
Boxers or briefs?
Get In My Pants
Dear Get In My Pants,
First of all, gladly. Secondly, I prefer neither personally. If you can’t feel free in your own pants, where can you? I have a theory that if you wear any of the above you obviously have control issues, don’t know the true definition of YOLO, you are very boring, have no social skills, and you most likely choose water over beer. Nothing personal obviously, I am sure you are very nice [or at least tolerable] and are very good at making your way through obstacle courses. But seriously already, loosen up and have some fun. There is life there.
And that concludes today’s Dear Erin, column.
If any of you are having questions that you know only I could answer appropriately, please submit them below. I will make sure to change your life forever in the next Dear Erin, blog post. Until then, cheers friends.
ps. word on the street is that there are a few previous love, yellow items available + I am starting to offer blog consultations once again. holler back youngin’.