4.04.2017

Life Lately


It's no secret that life around here recently hasn't been the easiest. In fact, the past week of my life genuinely feels like one of the hardest I have ever endured. With the unexpected passing of our sweet little Maggie, my emotions have been absolutely insane and all over the place. While I will talk more about Maggie at a later date, I want to share just a brief summary of the feelings that I have been going through and the stress that my body is under. For somebody who already deals with anxiety, quitting two jobs and losing your dog in the same week is not a good combination. Much of the past few days I have felt paralyzed like I am walking around in a fog and physically sick. Every day I hope to wake up with a renewed, energized and excited spirit, but rather it's been a defeated, tired with a lack of zest for anything, including food, which you know is a big deal for me. I want to stay very close to my couch at all times and my poor husband has to deal with a wife who hardly speaks and has little desire to get anything done. 

I know that technically speaking it's only been six days since her passing and that I need to have patience and offer grace to myself that I am not expected to be okay immediately. Losing Maggie was losing our child. Shawn and I have never been married without her as we bought her a few months prior to tying the knot, so adjusting to it being just the two of us is weird. Our house is the quietest that it's ever been and now that I have no workplace that I need to be I am feeling insanely lonely. It's just me at home. No little girl to share breakfast with, nobody to take on a walk, nobody to lay on my lap as I write this blog post, nobody to say a word too. I am not used to this and I don't like it one ounce.

It will get better, I know it will. It has to. Day by day, lots of deep breaths and desperate prayers I know I will survive. Right now my biggest fear is that this big life shake-up will send me down a panic attack cycle and if there is anything that I hate more than panic attacks, it's nothing. Trusting that Jesus has his hands all over the situation and this won't happen. I also believe that once the sunshine and warmer temps arrive that will help to bring a renewed spirit (with the potential of a new puppy as well)! 

I know that people are going through much, much harder things and I want to be sensitive to that, but phew - this has taken everything and more out of me. It's no secret that dogs do take up a special place in our hearts and there are no better companions than a loyal and loving pet. They are crazy special little creatures and we are so lucky that we got to spend eleven great years with her. 

Here's to positive thoughts, busy minds and time, it all just takes time. 

Thank you to all of you who have expressed your love and support, it means so much and I am so thankful for you. It's amazing what the internet can do for you during hard times, so thank you. Your comments have not gone unnoticed! 

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47 comments:

  1. So sorry to read this. Take the time you need. You are in my thoughts!!

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  2. No need to apologize...I just started reading your blog and new to you and your life and I was saddened by the news of your furry baby. As a dog mom myself, those little creatures get into our hearts and mean the world to us! No one should ever minimize how important they are to us. My sincere condolences on your loss. Take the time you need to figure out your new normal.

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  3. From one doggie lover to another, much love, tons of hugs and big ole' prayers to you sweetness!!

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  4. I am so so so sorry for your loss and the grief you are experiencing. I am going to say something next, and I want you to know I am speaking from the experience of losing my daughter....find a therapist you love and trust and put the time into yourself. Looking back I WISH I had gone more often than I did (6 years ago). Start now and let them walk through the next little while with you so you can process the muck. I am sooo sorry you are walking through this.

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  5. Pups so close our hearts are a rare gift in this life. How lucky were you to have Maggie and how lucky was she to have an amazing owner. Sending prayers your way <3

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  6. Sending you so much love! Losing pets is so tough on the heart. Good vibes to you, girl! <3

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  7. Losing a pet is terrible. Don't let anyone try and tell you it is not. Maggie was lucky to have you as a mom. She will meet you at the Rainbow Bridge.

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  8. I'm so sorry to hear about your Maggie passing. I lost my dog Sebastian last summer (after 9 years with me) and unexpectedly I got a new dog (we found him as he was a stray) the middle of February and I love him so much! He's a puppy so I'm thankful that I got him and he's so young so he'll hopefully be with me for a long time. So definitely take your time and when you're ready, you'll know and you'll get a new dog. They really do become part of our family. My hugs and prayers go out to you! xoxo

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  9. Never under estimate the love and presence from your pet (whenever it's a dog, a cat of a snake). It's okee to feel sad. I hope you will feel beter every day a little more

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  10. I am so sorry about the loss of your Maggie. Our dogs are a huge part of our family too - so I totally get it. I will be praying for peace for you and perhaps someday another lucky pup will be blessed to join your family.

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  11. I'm so sorry to hear about Maggie...big hugs from Minnesota! Losing a pet is SO hard, you're in my thoughts!

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  12. I am so deeply sorry for your loss! I will be praying for you and trusting God to comfort you during this time.

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  13. Wow that is so hard...when I lost my first furbaby it was devasting...so hard to put into words. She died in my arms unexpectedly after work one day. She was old and I knew her time was coming but I sure didn't expect it that day. My world just stopped. Now I have a plan...I always have two furbabies LOL! That way I always have someone to help me get over the pain. My wish for you is that sweet memories replace the ache you feel. Also something that helped me was I bought myself a new necklace with a paw print charm and had it inscribed on the back with her name and mine. I wear it when I'm thinking of her and rub the paw print. She is waiting for you at Rainbow Bridge where she is playing with all the other animals. Just think birds singing and sunshine with plenty of water everyday all day...

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  14. So sorry for your loss Erin! Thinking of you.

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  15. Long time reader but first time I've commented. I've been where you are and it sucks big time. As difficult as it is, take a deep breath and get out of the house - even if it's to drive through a Starbucks drive thru at first. It will get easier but that loneliness can engulf you and that's not good.

    Will be thinking of you. Which is probably weird because I don't actually know you. :-)

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  16. Prayers and positive thoughts coming your way! Thank you for being so open and honest about your feelings and emotions. Your candidness is such an amazing part of your blog.

    Taylor | www.livingtaylored.com

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  17. I'm a dog mom, or fur mama, too. I totally get it. In 2013 I had to put my Barley down due to liver failure. In February I unexpectedly lost my cat and my Bella has cancer now. Everything you describe above is what I still feel today for the two that I have lost and the one that I know I will. It's hard. It's gut wrenching. You feel guilty because you know there is greater loss in the world but in truth, our fur babies are our world. For us it is tragic and debilitating. I can assure you that over time while you still feel it, it consumes you less and less. It's all the little things, the firsts, that you have to get through. Like you said, give yourself grace. Maggie wouldn't want you to be sad. Dogs live their life with a goal of making us happy every day. She would want to do that now, even though she is gone.

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  18. This IS a difficult time!! Our pets are a part of our families and its sooo hard when its time for them to go. Greiving is hard but an essential part of life. Give yourself permission to lay on the couch and know that it is ok - we would worry if you just went on with your life as if nothing happened.. But, something did happen and being at home makes the edges a little sharper because your days were shaped in part by your sweet little Maggie. Your only job this week(s) is to tell yourself its ok to grieve and feel sad and if that involves laying on the couch crying for a while.. Its Okay! Lucky for us we know that God is near so you are never alone... and... that he is catching each one of your sad little tears in a bottle in heaven. He does this because you are so precious to him. Psalm 56:8 - I send my condolences to you and your husband.

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  19. I'm so sorry for your loss. Praying for you!

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  20. Hang in there kiddo. I have been there. It is okay to be sad and not feel like you can deal with life. Totally okay. They are family and you lost someone very important. You've had one hell of a week. I promise it will get better. You gave Maggie such a wonderful life. I just picture her riding on the boat from the pictures you have shared. Ears flapping in the wind. How many dogs can say they have been on a boat?! Lots of prayers for peace headed your way.

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  21. Goodness, i am so sorry. I can't even imagine. Love to you guys

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  22. So sorry for the loss of your fur baby. I have never cried over anything more in my life than when we lost our precious Jewel. You will meet again.

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  23. I've been reading your blog for awhile and this post just breaks my heart! I can honestly say having lost our golden retriever a few years ago - the best way to grieve and heal is another puppy. It's often hard to imagine doing that - feels like a betrayal or Band-Aid to fix your pain, but it's the only way I was able to get off the couch. Because I had a tiny pup that needed love too.

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  24. SOOO sorry about the loss of your Maggie, I can't even imagine. I know people without pets don't always get it, but I honestly believe that our two dogs are the best members of our family. They're the only ones that love unconditionally and never hurt us. I hope that time eases the pain and loss that you must be feeling.

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  25. Awww, I hope it gets better for you. Be patient with yourself

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  26. Sending love your way, Erin. I'm so sorry for your loss and hope you find the strength you desire soon xx

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  27. I'm so sorry to hear about Maggie. I've had pets pass before and I can definitely attest to it being incredibly hard. Hope things start looking up for you!

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  28. Oh goodness, my heart aches for you. As a fur baby mother I truly understand, praying for you comfort!

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  29. I'm so sorry to hear about your dog. I also lost my sweet baby very unexpectedly last summer. It's truly heartbreaking and I still cry several times a week over her. She was with me my entire 20s through multiple moves, brutal breakups, job loss, you name it. I can imagine how much you miss Maggie and completely understand the loneliness you feel.

    We fostered and adopted a new dog 3 months after Scarlette passed. You'll make room in your heart again for another dog when the time is right. Don't feel guilty if your love for them is different than Maggie. I absolutely love our new dog but it is a different love and relationship than I had with Scarlette.

    Thinking of you, I know it's hard. Give yourself time to grieve and cry.

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  30. Hi - so sorry to hear about the loss of your sweet dog Maggie..

    First time commenting - your post almost made me cry as I am sitting here with my dog, and your words echoed how I feel about my pup too they are such special creatures.
    Prayers and hugs!! Xox

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  31. I lost my Westie, Maggie back in December. I know what you're going through. It still hurts but it has gotten easier. I have a feelin our Maggie's are hanging out right now and having a good old time. One of my favorite quotes is "don't cry because its over; Smile because it happened".

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  32. I'm so sorry to hear this. I really enjoy your blog and your personality that comes through. I recently went through a couple of hard life adjustments including a job change which was a major stressor for me. Our pets are a huge comfort source to us and I dread the day we will have to say goodby. I hate that you are having to deal with so much at once. I also experienced major anxiety and literally just barely hanging on by my fingernails for a while. Knowing that I could turn to God and his Word was a big help. Even in the hardest times we can find comfort in knowing that the God of the universe is still holding us in the palm of his hand. You are never alone. Cling to that knowledge and don't let the anxiety take over. Your Heavenly Father is right there waiting to comfort you. Being your hurts to him. Matt. 11:28 "Come to me, all who are weary and I will give you rest." Ps. 34:18 "God is near to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Hang in there.

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  33. You described exactly the way I feel. But I have two growing busy boys and my puppy was 6 and it's been 3 months and it's been an up and down roller coaster. For a while I was fine and recently it's turned into anxiety and now I'm worried about everything. I'm working on it everyday and some days are better then others. It's so hard like you said because there are so many worse things in the world and you try to be grateful every day but your thoughts consume you and take over. To try to help you, working out has helped a lot to move on with my day. Your husband will not understand as it's easier for him to get over and the attachment between you and your dog working from home is much greater. If you experience wanting to be away from your home because it gives you anxiety I guess that's normal too, it gets better. Prayers to you and know you are not the only one going through this.

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  34. Thanks for being so vulnerable and sharing with us. Praying for comfort for you!

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  35. So so sorry for your loss. Losing a pet is so hard! It's okay to be sad and take some time for yourself to heal. Hugs to you. Things will get better. :)

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  36. Losing an animal is like losing a part of yourself :( I am so sorry Erin.

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  37. I've been reading your blog for a couple of years and I've never commented, but as a fellow animal lover this has me in tears. I truly understand the pain of losing a pet. It's so hard, but time does help a bit. I'll be praying for your peace and comfort.

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  38. You don't need to qualify your grief against the accumulation of the world. You lost a family member and that's that. And THAT is exquisitely difficult. My heart empathizes with yours as we lost our furry family brother in last fall. Still cry about it and I probably always will, but it eventually gets easier to go on with the day to day. God bless you! ❤️

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  39. I am so very sorry that you lost your sweet dog. My heart aches for you.

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  40. 3 years and 4 months ago I was in your shoes. I lost my 4 legged son unexpectedly and losing him shook my whole world apart. My older sons were living away from us and my youngest was getting ready to spread his wings. It was just me and my husband and I didn't know what to do wth the emptiness. I can tell you this, your days will fill up again but I wish I can say to you that the loss and despair you are feeling for your pet will stay with you. I have lost humans but losing a 4 legged child is a whole other ball game. Now I am in the process of deciding when to put my other 4 legged son down. He is going to be 15 in 2 weeks and in declining health. It never gets any easier. Thinking of you in this transition period you are going through. I wish you many sunny days for you to explore new possibilities.

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  41. Lots of hugs and love to you, Erin! Trust God's plan, even if you don't understand it, and things will eventually get better. We have a 5 year old dog and I can't even think about when this time comes for him!

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  42. I am so sorry for your loss. We lost our sweet dog Hannah unexpectedly after 10 1/2 years. Our other dog stopped eating and became depressed. It was so hard, but 5 days later we adopted a rescue dog who was considered "unadoptable". She was a dog shaped object who had been so abused she shook if you looked at her. 4 years later I can say she rescued us from our grief, and we now have 3 rescue dogs. This is what helped us. http://www.lifewithdogs.tv/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/7.31.14-Dogs-Last-Will-Testament2.jpg

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  43. I am so sorry for your loss, sending lots of prayers your way!!

    xxx

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  44. Harlow and I have been thinking about your family a lot this week :( And I agree with Lee above ^^ pain is pain, no need to justify it. Sending light and positive thoughts your way!!!

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  45. Sending you so much love and all the hugs in the world during this difficult time.<3

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  46. I'm so sorry for your loss. Don't apologize - You just lost a family member and piece of your heart. I've been through this too, and there is no right amount of healing time. Take all the time you need. The first month is the hardest but it gets better. Just remember you gave her a beautiful life and she loved you. ❤️

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I read and appreciate every one of your comments. Thanks for stopping by my space and sharing a piece of yourself on this huge ole internet. I meant that in the least creepy way possible. I'm just good at making everything awkward. Anyhow, thank you for your comments. They make me smile :)