It doesn't matter if your space on the internet is a fun hobby on the side or your main source of income, blogging is hard. When I first started out [holy 4 years ago] this thought didn't even cross my mind. All it is is words and pictures - heck, not even grammatically correct words and in my case pictures that are taken in the same spot every single time, how can it be that hard I thought? I mean you get to sit in your pajamas, drink wine, and listen to Bruno Mars at whatever volume you want when doing it. I can't do that at my real j-o-b. So how is this hard?
Well, for starters sometimes just the act of existing online is exhausting. Showing up is often the hardest thing to do, whether that be in "real" life or online life. There are days when staying in bed sounds like the better option, unplugging from everything sounds delightfully refreshing, and not having to share a single thing about myself or happenings of life is equivalent to hitting to the lottery. Not that I actually know what winning the lottery sounds like but I've heard good things. Recently I have struggled with knowing what to say on here. I question myself on whether my online voice really matters or if I am stuck in this, what can often seem a meaningless cycle, of hitting publish on a post that I will never care about in years from now. Maintaining a lighthearted, carefree attitude when writing can be hard. I used to pride myself on that. These days I can't remember the last time I just showed up to this space and freely wrote about anything and everything I wanted to. It's too filtered, too sponsored, too much of what I never envisioned my blog to be.
Connecting with people face to face is my heart. Emails, tweets, Facebook messages, while they are all great, they are hard for me to truly connect with. Shoot, I struggle with phone calls to people I love the most. Minus the times when I actually get to meet some of you beautiful people in real life, look into your eyes, and have real conversation [and goodness do I love that], sometimes this space can feel pretty dang empty and lonely. It's a weird mix of too much noise and not enough feelings.
And then of course there are the bits and pieces of negativity floating around about you when putting yourself out there. It's never a fun thing to hear negative things about yourself but is extremely weird to be able to openly read what people find wrong with you. I know that my face looks orange in pictures, I realize that I talk about drinking often [although can count on one hand the number of times I have been intoxicated], and yes I live in the middle of BFE, but I also have real feelings and want to love and be loved. It takes a lot of confidence and grace to love yourself through blogging sometimes.
However, despite all of the above and no matter how many times I have said to my husband "I think I'm going to quit blogging...just walk away and be done", I am so grateful for this space. Without it I would have missed out on several true friendships that I know will always be near to my heart. I would have lost memories both big and small that I now am able to cherish forever. I have taught myself how to stick with something when it doesn't always seem fun. This blog has instilled a silent confidence in me that I have been forced to have because without it I would crumble. I have learned that blogging is often never easy but it is almost always worth it. Living In Yellow is an extension of my life. And while it will never fully encompass 100% of who I am, it will always be a space that I am proud to call home. Thank you to each one of you who show up, it blows my mind why you do, but am so grateful you have decided to. You make this space insanely precious. Love you all.