You know the drill--readers submit questions, I answer them, and then somewhere in the middle of all that real life problems get solved. Lets begin.
Should I bleach my butthole? It seems like the right thing to do but I'm not sure.
Dear Chocolate Starfish,
First off, ouch. Secondly, before we make any rash decisions on whether or not to pour bleach down your anus I think we should do a poll with that certain someone(s) on whether or not they like the smell of hotel pools. I say this only because recently I started bleaching our towels and every time I walk into our bathroom I feel like I am surrounded by two dozen window lickers that are flopping all over the place in their floaties and other inner tube devices that I am jealous of. If his [or her] answer is yes, move on and find somebody else. If they say no, congratulations..you will live to see tomorrow. Also, now would be a good time to note that flushable cleansing wipes work really well after going number two which may take some of the need for bleach to go away. The added benefit is that your butthole will not turn bright red and combust into flames when using. On a much more serious note, congratulations on having a hole that you want others want to look at. It's not everyday you see an open for business sign down there. Best of luck you little starfish you, now go get em'.
I want to lose weight and have abs but don't want to eat better or work out. What do I do?
Every Woman In America
Dear Every Woman In America,
Maybe we should turn to our little starfish up there for some calorie burning activities before we look into other options. However, if the dirty dirty [literally] isn't your thing, I think I have a few suggestions that could help you out. One thing that has helped me feel better about myself significantly is watching workout DVDs. You simply put in your favorite workout DVD [favorite only because on Amazon it received 4.5 out of 5 stars, not because you have actually experienced it for yourself], sit on the carpet, and allow yourself to be inspired by all of the nice words the instructor keeps saying to you. Talk about a confidence boost. You will be convinced that you are skinny in no time. The other thing I have taken up is drinking. You should see my biceps from all of the curls I've been doing every time the glass goes from the table to my mouth. Last but not least, I've heard that eating celery is like consuming negative calories. For this reason I encourage you to carry celery with you at all times. The minute you are done eating anything, eat a celery stalk. I'm pretty confident one piece of celery is equal to mashed potatoes, noodles, a dinner roll, and one serving of blueberry pie. The pounds will fall off immediately with this method, I am 200% confident. If none of this works, you obviously aren't drinking enough.
Should I order Love, Yellow this month?
The Answer Is Yes.
Dear The Answer Is Yes,
You were wrong. The answer is no. Unless of course you want to look hotter and feel better than you ever have before. In which case you are right, the answer is yes. Tough decision I know.
To submit your own Dear Erin, question you may do so here. It's the cheapest therapy on the internet.