12.18.2013

10 Things That I've Been Too Afraid To Publish Here...

I'm sure by now some of you have read through Kym's recent post entitled "18 Things That I've Been Too Afraid To Publish Here.." and if you are anything like me, you left feeling refreshed and inspired to be a little more honest with yourself and your blog. Recently I found myself in a few different conversations where myself and the other person involved opened up a bit more, went deeper below the surface, and exposed more of our thoughts, struggles, and so on to each other. Somewhere during one of those conversations I stopped my friend who was talking and said something to the extent of how I so badly wish we as humans would be more open and honest with each other. Do you know how many bridges would be crossed and how much more we could all relate to each other if we allowed ourselves to not hide our "secrets" but reached out and said "me too"? We are all so much more alike than we think, we just don't allow ourselves to get to that place with one another so often. I think the above is why blogs like Momastery are so wildly popular, we can all relate once truth is exposed and all of that "on the surface" type stuff is pushed to the side. Needless to say, I decided to come up with my own list of ten things I've been too afraid to publish here and so here we are, let's do this. 
1. Adulthood is not anything like I pictured it to be. As a child things were black and white, wrong and right was easy to distinguish between, your biggest struggle was picking out what to wear. As I am now in my mid-twenties life consists of drug addictions, alcoholism, affairs, abortions, atheists, and the list goes on. Topics are so much heavier than I ever envisioned and it's not always easy. So many times I find myself saying "is this really my life right now?!" 

2. I haven't prayed or read my bible in months. 

3. I have harbored feelings of anger since my grandpa's death. I have judged friends who never said they were sorry and while I know it's not fair to them, I have. Along with that, I feel you never fully understand the emotions that go along with death until you experience it. The moment in time when you have to watch your grandma leave their now deceased husband for the first time to go to lunch with the family to discuss funeral arrangements and so on. Those few minutes are some of the most fragile I've ever experienced. 

4. Recently I was presented with a great opportunity but I am too afraid to say yes out of fear that I will fail. 

5. I am currently planning on getting two tattoos in the near feature. I always said I would never get a tattoo. I feel like the first one needs to be "never say never". Mom and dad don't freak out as of yet, chances are slim I'll wind up in a tattoo chair anytime soon. However, never say never ;)

6. I have never felt more grateful and excited about the position I have been in life than what I feel right now, except I conceal those feelings out of fear that I will sound obnoxious or arrogant. Life right now is easy. I have the time to say yes to nearly everything I want to say yes to. I am able to keep a clean house, have dinner on the table every night, drink wine for lunch, not feel stressed out about blogging, etc. I am so so fortunate and never want to take this for granted. Thank you husband for believing in me and this crazy dream of mine. I promise to keep working hard and if I don't, you may summon me back to a normal working life. 

7. Often I talk about my lack of desire for children. 99% of why I say these things is because I have a tremendous fear of being pregnant and giving birth. Meanwhile though I keep a mental checklist of everything I want to do someday with my child. 

8. Lately I have been struggling with my physical appearance big time. I am fed up with my hair, make-up, weight, pale skin, everything. It sounds all so shallow but it's true. And as frustrated and as down about it as I have been, I have done nothing about it. 

9. In accordance to number 8, I won 10 pounds of beef and a peanut butter pie in a silent auction at work today. 2014 is not looking good. 

10. I often wonder if passionate, romantic, sexy, movie type marriages exist. The type where you truly can't get enough of each other, the kind that keep you feeling the way you did within the first few weeks of the relationship, the type of love that is sung about on the radio? Is that real or is what I have real? I'm going to go ahead and put my bets on number two. But if you do have the type of relationship I just spoke of, maybe don't tell me. I have jealousy issues when it comes to movie love. 
If you want to play along and get all honest up in here, be sure to link up over at Kym's blog
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69 comments:

  1. I love this. And thank you for #10 because I often wonder this same thing. Except when couples gush over each other over Facebook - those people are covering for something.
    www.etsystalkers.com

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  2. #2. Yes. Me too. And sometimes I feel terrible about it-- other times I don't. I enjoyed this post.

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  3. I use to tell people I didn't want to have kids because I was told I couldn't have children. Well I could because one drunken night....
    Thanks for the honesty! I'm also jealous of movie love but it helps when I play out Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan years into their marriage fighting over whose turn it is to wash the dishes. Jonah is all p'ed off slamming doors sneaking out and screaming at Meg "you're not my real mom". Makes me feel a little better.

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  4. Wow this is amazing. So so amazing. I started a blog last January in hopes that I would feel so freed to write about my life and things going on but as I started to look at all of these other wonderful glamourous blogs I felt so underwhelmed with my life and became scared to tell the truth & "air my dirty laundry". This post have given me strength & hope to start being more honest with myself on my blog! Thank you you beautiful, wonderful, insightful girl!

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  5. I have a post going up in the morning where I share my story. And number 10...I don't know if that exists or not. I don't have that type of relationship, and I'm not sure I would want that kind as I'm not very good at reciprocating those emotions. Props to those that have that kind of relationship. My relationship works as is. I have a best friend right beside me and we are better at the business side of things. ;) Props to you for sharing girl! I am nervous to watch my story go live tomorrow.

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  6. Hmmm I don't have a movie love, but I definitely know that my relationship is perfect for me. Have you heard of the 80/20 rule? The idea is that your partner gives you 80% of everything you could ever want, but someone else is capable of giving that 20%... but only 20%. It's like, the grass is always greener on the other side.

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  7. i think we all need to be more comfortable in sharing both the good and the bad in our lives without feeling like sharing the bad makes us a debbie downer and sharing the positives makes us arrogant.

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  8. I never thought I would get a tattoo either - but now I have 2! Thanks for sharing!

    agirlandhersarkles.blogspot.com

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  9. The experiencing death thing has been a big issue for me since my grandfather's passing a year ago. Some people extended so much love that I wanted to pull them into a giant hug, and I have yet to forgive those who acted poorly during that difficult time.

    And it's true that if you haven't physically watched someone pull themselves up after death, you can't imagine being I'm their position.

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  10. I wonder that about #10 as well. I have been in a relationship with the same guy for 4 years, I;ve never even gotten the first anything at Valentines Day. I joke he doesn't just hate PDA he hate all displays of affection.

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  11. My favorite is #10. I think that love is work and that no one really prepares you for the work that must be put in. I love thinking about the first few weeks/months of the beginning where it all began. Although, I do love the funcrazymovielove I appreciate and love where we are now. No, it's not always the cute love, but it's the real love. The #2 love you listed above!

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  12. love your honesty, sweet friend. i am always jealous of your tan skin in pictures so i get that pale skin thing ;) i get those feelings of insecurity. thanks for doing this and being real. XO

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  13. Publishing things that are a bit uncomfortable for us is such a difficult thing. It takes a lot of courage but once its out there it feels so nice to have it off your chest. Great post with lots of honesty!

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  15. Great post! I'm with you on 1, 8, and 10!

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  16. Getting honest is excessively hard. Not only are you getting honest with the internet, but for me, I'm getting honest with future employers. It's hard to know exactly where to draw the line. PS, don't feel like you're not beautiful because you are gorgeous! Every time I see a picture of your outfits posts, I think, "DAMN, why can't I be more like Erin??"

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  17. I love your honesty. No judgement here. Just love for a fellow blogger:) I always tell my daughter to be true to yourself. Same goes for you. Thanks for the great post. Oh and as a mom of one amazing daughter , a mom who gave birth drug free, and a ten year labor and delivery nurse vet, giving birth is not that big of a deal - you get this amazing reward for a short period of being uncomfortable. Go for it! Susan

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  18. This is wonderful and brave and so relatable, there are so many things here that you've mentioned that I often feel too. Number one especially, adulthood is so much different than I imagined, in both good and bad ways. Honesty is a beautiful thing, thank you for sharing x

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  19. LOVE this and love you. I am 43 but your blog always makes me feel young and sassy. And stylish (which I'm not). This is a great post - and I have to say the one about friends not saying anything about your gpa really hit me. I had surgery two weeks ago on my foot - so I can't walk without crutches - which is kinda hard - especially with a job and kids and all. Many neighbors brought cookies, meals, cards, socks, smiles. But I am finding I am focusing more on the friends who didn't write, call, visit, facebook, text. And it seems like the non-church friends are the helpful ones. The church friends have been mostly silent. Weird. So, I am sure it's a million times worse with a death. Again, love you.

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  20. I love the concept and content of this post. It always amazes me how much of my bad experiences I am willing to throw out there over how much of the pretty awesome stuff that happens to me I let grace my blog. I am so glad you are happy where are in life right now. When the time comes for all the other things, you will be ready. Until then, just enjoy the ride.

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  21. I can totally relate, especially number 7. My husband wants kids so bad, but I keep putting it off a)because I don't think we are ready, but mostly b)because I am terrified of pregnancy and birth, not the actual child raising part.
    Thanks for sharing you fears, it definitely makes you a more relatable blogger to see more than just the good stuff, and I think that is what we all struggle with.

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  22. Great post! I can totally relate to most of these.

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  23. I always admire truthful posts; a lot of posts in blog land make me feel like I'm a terrible mother, wife, blogger, etc because they paint this perfect picture of what life is supposed to be. Glad to know honesty exists out there too :)

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  24. Stopping by from Instagram (meaganchurch) and I just had to say that I love your honesty. I've really been feeling #1 lately and I know what you mean about #7. Those were my feelings 8+ years ago. As for #10, I have been married to my high school sweetheart for 14 years, and from my experience, the first doesn't exist in reality. I hope that brings some comfort.

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  25. I really like this post. Its nice to see some honesty on blogs...everything is not always sunshine & rainbows

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  26. So honest and refreshing. Thanks for posting.

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  27. I'm with you on 1-10. Except 9, and I'm jealous. :) I've especially loved reading all the comments on 10. I didn't marry my soul mate; I think of it every single day, sometimes all day, every hour. Knowing I would marry this person was the only thing I've ever had true peace about with complete certainty. It's been years and years and we've both married other people. My stomach still drops when I see him and his wife and his family in photographs. My heart still aches every single day. My soul is whittling away. Such deep sorrow I would wish upon no-one else. I'm incredibly envious of all you women! My husband is the very sweetest, kindest, loving soul. But my movie love I will take with me to the grave. Thanks for the honesty! Blessings to you.

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  28. I love this post!! ugh yes to number 4! We can't let the fear of failing get in the way of trying something new! I am certain you will succeed and if not, at least u can say you tried!

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  29. I really love this honesty thing and if I'm being honest... the main reason I don't post EVERYTHING that I want too, isn't because of what other people in the blogging community will think of me, it's my parents... they read my blog. And my mom likes to ask a lot of questions, so if I discuss anything emotional or personal about my relationship, she'll want to know! So I find my honesty through commenting with other bloggers. I hate that I feel the need to do it this way, but it just seems easier than the 1,000 hours I'd spent talking about it even more with my mom because she read something on my blog. lol I completely understand what you're saying about #10. It's not that I'm unhappy in my relationship, but I wonder.... is this the real deal? I mean, he's not swooning me every second of every day, he's not telling me every day how his life would be awful without me, he's not constantly surprising me with grand gestures.... it's not "movie love" and sometimes, even in blogging... I ask that question.... Are all of these bloggers husbands as obsessed with them as they say? I can't tell if they're sometimes putting up this front that life is always perfect for them and their man. Because of the movies and certain bloggers I read, I question my own relationship, which isn't healthy. I always have to do a "mind check" - and realize that I am happy and yes, we disagree and have spats, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't be together or we won't work 20 years from now. It's all a mind game. Thanks for being honest, Erin!

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    1. Heather I can totally relate to you about having an inquisitive mother/family. I'm so happy for the support with my blog but I always have to keep in mind that if I write anything too personal it'll be read and questioned by my parents and inlaws. That's why I've been hesitant to install Disqus actually, because you can track the history of comments, so commenting/interactions on others' blogs works well for me too.

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  30. YES. Just... all of this. Thank you so much for your honesty! I think I'm going to have to write a post like this soon.

    Also- I might be getting 2 tattoos tomorrow. I'm really excited but also scared!

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  31. How great is this idea?! Thanks for being honest, as everyone should be. It is hard, but if we can't be ourselves, then who are we, you know?

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  32. You and your honesty :) so refreshing. 1 thing I'm afraid to publish is that I know WE WILL meet this year and be completely goofy and crazy ;) xoxo love!

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  33. I love this - so much. I think it's easy to fall behind in prayer and in reading the bible. I also believe you are beautiful, so know that though you may be unhappy with the way you look, you should hold your head high. Also know that I too worry if there are marriages like the movies, cause that's what I want and I'm so afraid of settling.

    I always love reading your stuff, Erin - but I really enjoy it when you are incredibly raw and honest with us.

    I do this too - if you wanna read it. http://talesfrommyfairytale.blogspot.com/2013/12/a-few-things-im-afraid-to-publish.html

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  34. Nicely done. I'd be arm and arm with you on the fear of failure. (and a couple others) Honesty is contagious... :)
    ~Meegan
    www.flatstoflipflops.com

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  35. I'm with you on #7. As arrogant as it sounds, I know I'd be a great mother. I've always cared for siblings, and now my niece. The problem is, like you said, being pregnant and giving birth terrifies me. More so the latter. Absolutely nerve-wracking.

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  36. I love your honesty Erin. It's hard. really hard to put things out there. I am with you completely on being a mother. it's scares the hell out of me.
    thank you for being so open and honest.

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  37. I'm so with you on #3. I lost my grandfather a month ago today- and it's still hard for me to forget those people who never reached out to me-- I know I shoud be spending that time being thankful for all the people who DID reach out to me.. but it's hard.

    I really appreciate your openness and honesty in this post. It's truly admirable! :)

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  38. Thank you! I needed to hear this today. I am glad I am not the only one who has struggled with #2 and #10. I am glad there are "normal" people out there!

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  39. I love your post today!! I have always felt you had a great sense of honesty and the real you on your blog - and this confirmed that those things are true! I can for sure relate to #10 and wonder the same things often!! I take the bet on option 2 as well!!

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  40. I feel ya on on #8. Shallow or not oh well. I'm feeling so uncomfortable in my skin it's not even funny! It's not a good feeling. I am jealous of you about #6 so maybe it's okay if you are jealous of me about #10? We are all jealous of something! I did marry my soul mate and I don't talk about it a lot because people will think I'm crazy or bragging but i am obsessed with my husband and I like to think he feels the same about me. He's kind of the best thing in my life right now.

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  41. I sometimes wish my marriage was more exciting or that we had more in common or yadda yadda, but my friend called me hysterical on Tuesday and so I picked her up. She had just had a fight with her husband and their marriage is falling apart. The things he has said to her are shocking. My husband is so kind, so supportive and never yells at me. Boring isn't so bad (and isn't really that boring) :)

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  42. I've been married for almost 4 years so we get questioned a lot on when we'll finally start having kids. Honestly, I'm super scared of being pregnant (sickness, stretch marks, being uncomfortable, etc..) and giving birth.. eek! But I know all the pros far outweigh the cons, I'm just not quite there yet. Plus I still enjoy "me time" and "our time" as just the 2 of us. I plan on being selfish at least a little bit longer ;-)

    And whatever that amazing opportunity is... I say go for it and don't look back. You've got this!

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  43. I'm not married or dating anyone or even have any dating prospects so I often wonder when my movie romance moment where the guy I've loved all along but never knew just shows up to rescue me from almost being hit by a car. Like your #10. Also, I want kids but I too am scared of pregnancy. more so I am scared of losing my freedom.

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  44. #7 .... it's like you read my mind and posted my exact thoughts. I have written about this before and after I clicked publish I worried that I would be judged for feeling the way I do. So glad to know I am not alone in this! http://nannysbagoftricks.blogspot.com/2013/11/to-procreate-or-not-to-procreate-that.html

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    1. I should mention that the only reason I opened up about the topic was because I was inspired after reading another one of your posts "Things I'll Never Understand" Keep on doing what you do - it's inspiring :)

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  45. There is nothing I love more about blogging than getting to read a post like this on an odd day - I mean, if blogs consisted ONLY of "confessional" type posts, I think it'd also be a bit draining. After all, a huge part of the reason why I think blogs are so successful is because they are little inspirational windows into the pretty, the perfect, the lovely. But we need a dose of this every once in awhile to keep it real and to ground us all. So thank you, Erin, for sharing these! I relate to so many of the things you listed and it was so refreshing to get to say "mmhmm, I get that" in a real-life kind of way. Have a good one, sistah!

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  46. I have found that hitting publish on things that are scary to me has a lot to do with the people that I know read my blog. If it was JUST the sweet wonderful people I meet along the blogging journey and not people that I have to look at in the face on a day to day basis maybe I would be a bit more bold, but the thought of someone bringing up something that I was terrified to talk about is crippling. Maybe one day I will be brave and write about the scary and uncomfortable, the deep dark icky stuff, and I commend you for doing it and loveed kims post. That is why I love blogging so much, becuase we arent alone and when someone has the balls to put it all out there it puts so many minds at ease because we can feel a little more normal amiright?? :) Any whoo, I love your guts and hope youre doing well. Also, I dont know what your big opportunity is but I think you should do it. I have a good feeling about it :)

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  47. I just wrote mine and now I'm scared to death that I hit publish...

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  48. I think moments in love and life and relationships ARE like Hollywood movies, but NOT everyday. Literally I can be 100% attracted to my husband and ready to rip his clothes off... then 10 minutes later he farts and I'm left totally rethinking my impulses. ;) haha

    You are amazingly pretty girl - work what you got, because you own it!

    And I love your "Never say Never" tattoo idea!!!

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  49. I can't remember the last time I read my blog...I find my prayers are less prayer lately and more...weird conversations with the ceiling of my car. God finds us where we are. The anger you feel about your grandfather's passing is so so so normal. I'm so happy that you feel so happy in your life right now. Its like we aren't supposed to. There is always supposed to be some struggle that we can commiserate with people over. I think some people in my life are offended when I say I'm so happy where I am now! I'm so happy for you that there are awesome opportunities available to you. Don't be scared of them. You reach a lot of people with this 'crazy dream' of yours. I've told you before how you've helped me personally. What do they say... if you reach for the stars and fall you're still on top of the world'. Ok...'they' might be Pit Bull but whatever wisdom is wisdom where ever it comes from. Now for the tats! I'm getting mine soon so you bring yo-sef to Cbus and we'll get tatted together. :)

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  50. I love this. I too struggle with my appearance and I havent been in the word in months. At the same time I am struggling in my marriage...not like getting a divorce struggling, but just struggling. Marriage is SO MUCH HARD WORK. I love my husband and I would you anything for him...but sometimes I cant stand him. And I know that I drive him nuts. But thats what makes our love so great. We mess up and forgive and communicate. And then love and love and love. God promises us true joy, but true joy doesnt always mean happiness. Especially does not mean the movie type unrealistic happiness.

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  51. We are eye to eye on #10...I've always wondered...and yet, I still place my bet on the latter ;)

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  52. I recently went to a conference that touched on the subject of how media shapes our idea of what sex/love/marriage should be and it really sets up an unfair standard based on fictional characters in fictional situations. I had never realized how high I had set the bar for my husband in our bedroom until that discussion. TV/Movies don't show the struggle of every day life (laundry, chores, kids, time restraints, work, etc.). I've found that we have to create our own standard within our marriage and not dare compare it to the media or even those around us. We have to make sure to communicate about our needs within our marriage because if we are truly satisfied what does it matter what the level of "passion" is. Be passionate about protecting your marriage and I've found that it has led me to be passionate about my husband when some days I may not feel like it.

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  53. Let me just say that movie marriage love, well, I don't think it exists...you are not alone. I love my hubs, but let's be real, it's not all kisses, romance, passion...it's called life, sister!! :) And never feel obnoxious about sharing your successes!! Be loud and proud!! :)

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  54. I'm mainly a silent reader around your blog and don't comment much, but I felt like commenting today on your blog post. I think we all get a great laugh out of your blog everyday with your funny posts, and we enjoy your cute outfits, but we don't always see the stuff deeper than that (and that's ok..I'm guilty of it sometimes too!). You should know that I really enjoyed the deeper side of things today, and I'm sure others did as well. It makes us feel more connected like you said. I can relate; especially to your number 1. I struggle all the time with how life is so complicated as an adult. At times I wish I could have the innocence of my youth back. To not have to worry about rent, relationships or work. When did things get so complicated? Anyway, Well done on the blog post today. You should be proud that you put yourself out there. It isn't easy.

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    1. PS. I don't think I'll ever stop believing that I can find my movie romance out there. I think I watch too much Lifetime ;-)

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  55. I kind of really love this because like you I am absolutely terrified of getting pregnant and giving birth. I am 24 years old and nowhere near marriage, let alone a child. It terrifies me. And you are never to old to get a tattoo, girl my mother is 50 (yes 50) and got her first tattoo LAST FRIDAY.

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  56. This is such a wonderful post. I agree that the world would be better if everyone were more honest! I relate to almost everything here! I used to be totally terrified of giving birth/having kids, and I wasn't sure I wanted kids. But one day (while reading a blog, actually!), it just changed, and I wanted kids. And now we have a daughter and I'm SO happy. But only because I knew I was ready. And I think you can have moments of movie romance in your marriage, but no way all the time. Too many other things to worry about!

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  57. #3. That is me. I have blogged about my Grandpa's death a few times since it happened in August. I have so many emotions over it. Most anger and extreme sadness. I'm angry he was taken from me. I'm angry my Grandma is alone. So I feel you. I say, let it out. Writing my blog posts about it has helped me. I'm still angry and sad but I felt better after my release. And felt so supported from all my family, friends, & followers who sent me messages, emails, and comments.

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  58. There are so many different types of love, and ALL of them are real. I'm sorry to make you jealous, but Will and I have movie type love. We get asked all the time if we just got married, and when we tell them almost four years, they can't believe it. I can't say that everyone can have movie type love, but I do think we have it because we want to have it. We constantly do sweet things for each other, put one another first, learned to communicate so that we rarely fight, and have lots of really good sex. This isn't to say that there aren't hard days, but we try to avoid those or rise above them. You can also blame it on the fact that I have to live half my life without him while he's deployed and such. It makes the time we have together that much more special. Thanks for opening up!

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  59. I loved this! Thanks for sharing Erin. I too am jealous of "movie love" and my husband often has to remind me that they aren't real.

    I wanted to tell you that pregnancy isn't too bad. The beginning has sucked the two times I've been pregnant but after that it's pretty remarkable. Feeling your baby move and seeing them on the ultrasound. Childbirth isn't so bad either. Really, I should know, I did it without an epidural :) Any ways, I hope you can get past your fears because being a mother is seriously the most incredible thing in the world. There is more joy in one day than I ever experienced in months of my life prior to having my daughter. Good luck with finding peace in your grandfather's passing, I know it's hard but sometimes it just takes time. I also wish you luck in finding the ability to forgive. I've always been the bigger person in failed friendships, always seeking the other person out and patching things up. It's not easy but it's so worth it.


    Merry Christmas :)

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  60. 1.2.5.7.8 AGREE I totally get all of these.

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  61. thank you, thank you, thank you for posting this. I've been blogging for years, but due to my corporate job, I've had to blog privately (fam & friends). I recently made the jump from Corp to Creative and checked off a really big check mark on my bucket list: Public Blog! And while I'm SO excited for this new adventure, I've already struggled with the "rules" of public blogging (are there any?) What can/can't I post? I've always written honestly and really want to be transparent but dang it's scary now with an unknown audience! Your post put me at ease and reconfirmed that we bloggers are in the big journey together - and as a reader, I'd always rather read an honest post vs. a surface "feel good" post. Honest can still be "feel good" :) Thank you!

    Happy New Year :)

    Emily
    www.embergrey.com

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  62. #3 yes! Death and grief are crazy things to try and explain just because it is so hard to try and define them from one person to another.

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  63. #10 is pretty good. Less than 4 months until my wedding and I'm going in telling myself there is going to be nothing "movie romance" about it. That way, if it happens, it'll be a pleasant surprise. And, if it doesn't, I won't be shocked at the amount of work I'll have to put in to make it work. Your honesty is refreshing.

    Kari @ www.karilife.com

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I read and appreciate every one of your comments. Thanks for stopping by my space and sharing a piece of yourself on this huge ole internet. I meant that in the least creepy way possible. I'm just good at making everything awkward. Anyhow, thank you for your comments. They make me smile :)