9.03.2013

On Who I Am Becoming..

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paradise by Coldplay on Grooveshark
Isn't it funny when you think you have yourself all figured out and then realize you are approximately 220% wrong about who you actually thought you were? That's kinda happening to me lately and I can't say that I like it. Growing up I've always (thought) I love change. Jobs, cars, houses, clothes, basically anything and everything that could be swapped out I wanted swapped out on at least a three month basis. Make that two. But holy crap. As I get older this whole "change" thing is driving me crazy. Like literally. I have become this sad irritable person because LIFE DOESN'T STOP CHANGING DANGGIT. 

Currently our house is going through a complete 180, I am getting a new manager at work (this is a bigger deal than it sounds because well, I had the coolest boss EVER), I am dropping my hours down to part-time so that I can work more on this blogging stuff when honestly I don't even know how I feel about this blogging stuff anymore, and so on. I think it all hit me this weekend. Approximately yesterday in the car with my poor husband when I started crying out of the blue. I am typically a period crier. Not a middle of the month, just got back to feeling "good" after feeling like death for days on end, in the midst of some of the best weather ever, type of crier. So I guess I knew that's how it was legit. Because if I would have been on my period, well nothing is legit then and we all know that. 

In the midst of all of this I've also learned another lesson--I like to be in control. This is not necessarily pleasing to anybody unfortunately. So because of this I've also spent a lot of time in the bathroom praying for God to smack me in the face and show me who is boss. It's kinda working and kinda causing more stomachaches. I'm not really sure why I can't dictate life and people and the weather and when somebody will tell me something nice and why my dog insists on licking my face with her horrible breath, etc other than Jesus and His plans so I mean, I guess, whatever it makes sense. 

I write all of this to remind myself that I must never stop surrendering and always stop doubting. So with tears, stomachaches, and a few kicks, I'm giving this all over to Him. The one who knows how to make pretty things out of my messes. halle fricken lujah.

But seriously. Somebody put my house back together already.
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41 comments:

  1. Let go and let God... 5 of the most powerful words! Hope you start feeling better about things asap! xo

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  2. Thanks for sharing...words needed to be said.

    Why is it so hard to let it be? GREAT POST! Good luck with your changes

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  3. I think there's something in the air right now. Kinda having these thoughts/feelings/emotions way too often as well.. Or maybe it's called life after 25?

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    1. YES! It's everywhere and I think its getting worse the farther I get from 25. crap.

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    2. Blame it on the quarter-life crisis! I think everyone has a time somewhere around 25ish where this happens. On a side note, the book Quarterlife Crisis is a good read :)

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    3. I'm nearly 40 and still deal with it. Ugh. ;-)

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  4. i hope you feel better soon. i think i like changes, but yes sometimes the changes are scary and unpleasant and even smack me in the face. but once, someone told me that we're human. and we're young so we're designed to always change. you won't stop changing and moving around. unless you're dead or not living your life at all. i choose changes then.

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  5. It's probably related to the fact that we all survived 2012 even though we weren't going to and now there's still a world to see and feel and things to accomplish and governments to straighten out...

    Mostly the growing up part. I hear you on the suckiness of that.

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  6. Hang in there girl! They all sound like scary and wonderful changes that you will be so grateful for in the long run! But on a more serious note...I totally hear you on that puppy breath. Why don't they make break mints for dogs yet?

    xoxo

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    1. PS. I started up a new blog...shocker right? Read, Eat, Create is now Lovethecampbellsblog.blogspot.com!

      I think this one might actually stick...let's hope :)

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    2. PS. I started up a new blog...shocker right? Read, Eat, Create is now Lovethecampbellsblog.blogspot.com!

      I think this one might actually stick...let's hope :)

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  8. I feel like you right now! The best thing is, we can rest in Jesus, knowing He has all our plans worked out. :)

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  9. I am the same way, always searching for change, and hating everything when it actually does change. I think it's a human way of life. It's so easy to see from the outside looking in, but in the opposite direction it is crazy crazy crazy outlook!

    Keep your head up girl, with everything you do, no matter how you do it, it will always turn out amazing.

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  10. I so understand you! I am going through a heck of a lot of change and sometimes I feel like I can't stand it anymore! New jobs for husband and me, new degree, new house, new school for daughter, new neighborhood, new church, new friends... so little depends on me! Aaaaah!!!

    But I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. :)

    xo,
    Ana Paula
    {Visit me at Mommyhood, PhD}

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  11. I think most people can relate! I know I can. It's amazing how when you're a kid, a year seems like a lifetime, and now as adults, it's like, how the hell is it September? I was just in Italy... a freakin' year ago. Seriously. Two lay offs, 5 apartments, 2 states, etc. I'm all of 5 years older than you I think and I've learned: Enjoy the ride, make the most important things to you your priorities, be thankful, trust that everything happens for a reason. Chin up, take a deep breath, and keep writing. You're pretty darn good at it. xo

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  13. Riding in the car with my hubby listening to this song when I read your post and felt like I needed to share with you. Download All Sons and Daughters and put it on repeat! Two of my favorites when I am feeling 'not enough' are "Brokenness Aside" and "Reason to Sing"

    Will your grace run out
    If I let you down
    ‘Cause all I know
    Is how to run

    ‘Cause I am a sinner
    If its not one thing its another
    Caught up in words
    Tangled in lies
    You are the Savior
    And you take brokenness aside
    And make it beautiful
    Beautiful

    Will you call me child
    When I tell you lies
    Cause all I know
    Is how to cry

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  14. great post. thanks for sharing with us and for being raw. it takes courage to do that!

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  15. Totally get it! At 17 I just jumped on a bus and moved to a place I'd never been and didn't know anyone....never bothered me....at 38, the idea going on a holiday freaks me out!

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  16. Well Erin, you did it again. I am going through so much right now, My mom broke her hip and is in a rehab facility. I go EVERYDAY! I feel like I have lost control over everything. I am tired and I feel defeated. Then, right before I go to bed, I decide to read your blog. BAM! There it is!!! The answer. "GIVE IT OVER TO HIM!" The answer was right in front of me but I guess God decided that I needed to read it! It is 11:30 at night and I should be in bed. But HE had other plans for me.

    Thanks Erin. I am glad you are going to dedicate more time to blogging. You make people laugh and somehow I really believe that there are posts that really help people. At least they help me. Get. It. Girl.
    I will sleep better tonight because I am truly, 100% "GIVING IT OVER TO HIM." And all I can do is quote you and say, " halle fricken lujah." :)

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  17. Change of season and we all feel a little less certain.
    Thanks for opening up and sharing so honestly.
    good luck x

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  18. Lots of upheaval and change does this to me, too. Like I can't get a solid footing. Ever. What I take comfort in, when it happens, is MOST of the time, after things settle down, something good almost always results in the events that occur. Have a wonderful day and keep blogging!

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  19. Thinking of you this morning, and having this same kind of feeling in my own life right now! Praying that you are able to find God's great peace in everything!

    Also I found this little gem in my morning devotional... He is ALWAYS with US, no matter what the circumstance He's there... :)

    sending lots of love from Baltimore!

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  20. funny you mention this - i think its something 20+ go through. i have been feeling it a lot lately with so many change and transition happening as of late - but really unable to put it into words, so i totally get ya. thanks for sharing with us. you are way legit. xoxo!

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  21. oh and p.s. let's plan that trip to hawaii stat. this sounds like a good time, don't you think? ;)

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  22. Wow. Talk about hitting the nail on the head. I'm with you. My big thing is that I like change when things are crappy and I want them to improve. But when things are good, I don't want stuff to change!

    And I have a terrible time worrying and stressing and being a total obnoxious person sometimes. But I need to let it go too. I'm with you girl!

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  23. I feel you 100% on this. perfectly said.

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  24. Change is probably one of the hardest things. I'm going through a big period of change right now, and not having that concrete schedule is frustrating! I feel like change turns me back into a 4 year old child just wanting to be held and cuddled. Welp.

    I also think through this period of transition I realized how important it is that my future spouse be able to help me through periods of change--I didn't realize how important that was to me until this time around!

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  25. It always helps me to remind myself that I can't predict the future! It sometimes feels like if I have a "bad feeling" about change then I MUST be right. But I've been wrong so many times, and change has most often been a GREAT thing!

    I bet that you will have an amazing new manager, and your blog is going to explode even more, and your house is going to look so good that Giuliana Rancic is going to move in next door and you will share each other's clothes. ;)

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  26. Hope your doing alright, or better now after your post. Sounds like a trying time, but god always does seem to have some sort of plan bigger than yourself. Can't wait to see what comes of it. Keep your chin up :) Sending you blog love!

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  27. Girlfriend, I have had a lot of these moments lately! We're on week 5 of house renos & are finally on the downhill slide of things. I can promise you, it does get better! (I know you know this from other renos but, living in your house while working on it, that is a beating!) Keep your head up though, God does have everything under control... it's His timing & plan, not ours. (Yes, I know that is sometimes easier said than done) :)

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  28. I totally feel you on this 100% ... and while I don't know what my feelings are about this whole blogging thing / blogging world .. I am excited to see that you have more time to invest here, and I look forward to what the next few months have in store for you :)

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  29. I broke down a couple weeks ago. It was tough but I know God is working somethings out deep down. I also like to be in control and it can be exhausting trying to keep up with everything.

    Life will start to get brighter soon. God can pull you out of anything =)

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  30. Just wanted to tell you thanks for sharing this. Makes me feel a little more normal :0)

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  31. I looooooooooove hearing your heart. Thank you. keep doing that.

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  32. You know you are one of my all time favorite bloggers, so I hope that you can get centered through 'him' and taking on less at work. You have a gift of connecting people, and blogland seems to be your niche. However, we will all love you no matter what!

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  33. I feel like when we hit those moments of tears out of nowhere and feeling like we are spinning out...that is God trying to snap us back to reality. We don't run this. You'll be alright girl. :)

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I read and appreciate every one of your comments. Thanks for stopping by my space and sharing a piece of yourself on this huge ole internet. I meant that in the least creepy way possible. I'm just good at making everything awkward. Anyhow, thank you for your comments. They make me smile :)