I think it's a sign you need to slow down when the first second of complete silence paired with no agenda throws you into a panicky fidgety fit. I'm just kinda curious when not having anything to do for 20 minutes suddenly seems like a curse to my existence? It could be the onslaught of hormones (I mean seriously period, when are you going to do ONE good thing for us ladies?) or it could be the fact that I feel like I haven't "stopped" in the last 240 hours, but whatever it is I'm not sure I like it. Or maybe I love it? It's this whole stopping to be still and letting your mind think on it's own thing. Due to it's unfamiliarity in my parts, I find it rather uncomfortable. So often I don't allow myself to get to this place because I am afraid of what I'll discover. Say for instance having to think about the fact that my meals today alone consisted of a giant pretzel with cheese, Wendy's french fries, chips and salsa, and easy mac. Nobody should have to deal with THAT reality. Or what if we discover that the daily choices we are making (or are not making) are taking us in a direction that we never intended to walk to in the first place? It's this uncomfortable silence that forces you to actually think..
Instead of just dealing with it, we drown ourselves in another hour scroll through Instagram, call up ladies to get a drink, lose ourselves in our children's projects, or turn up the radio so loud we forget our brain is actually trying to tell us something other than "girl you look good when you back that thang up...". All of this got me thinking--aren't we all a bunch of addicts to some degree? It may not be alcohol or drugs we turn to but we all have that "thing" that helps us escape the fidgety feelings we get when we are all alone. We find it easier to not deal than actually deal with the real deal. We say things like "tomorrow I'll eat better..." "next week I'll spend my time more wisely.." or if you are like me, you shout "YOLO!" over and over again to justify why it's okay you are running on fumes 24/7.
I'm ready to slow my roll a bit. To get to a place where sitting still at 7 pm on a Thursday evening won't cause me to break out in a sweaty nervous mess because isn't there SOMETHING that I should be doing instead? There is so much beauty in not feeding the addictions but rather feeling the reality.
So that's where I'm at tonight. Remembering I have goals, dreams, hopes, and all that good other stuff that my little addictions forget to remind me of.
And for the record--snapping fresh green beans is actually way more therapeutic than a glass of wine.
Well, maybe. You know what. Never mind.