1.16.2013

How To (Do Everything)

So my hilarious/wise blogging friend Bonnie does these posts every now and again about how to do...(fill in the blank on what you want to know) and I always think they are pretty fun. And obviously informative. I've learned something in my old age--everything you will ever need to know, you can learn about in blog posts. Because if it's on the internet, it's true. And so we begin. 

How to make your husband believe you that you really don't feel well enough to clean the house:
Don't put any make-up on. 
and now I remember why I never post pictures without any make-up on
Having him see you in your natural state will most certainly scare him into believing you absolutely don't feel well. Pale skin + dark circles under your eyes spells a recipe for playing hookie.
Use your natural horror beauty in your favor. 

How to make your face not look like a haggard dead mess:
Buy Lorac's dual bronzing shaz and apply it generously. 
A little (a lot) of eyeliner and mascara won't hurt either. 

How to make friends in blog land:
Buy and send them things in the mail.
You can't expect people to actually like you for you. 
It's all about bribery people. 
Ornaments, band aids, pillows, necklaces, tee shirts....anything you can think of.
Just buy it and send it.
You will have friends in no time. 

How to make everybody jealous on Instagram:
Post pictures of your feet dangling over the Caribbean sea atop a cruise ship. 
I haven't actually tried this one on Instagram yet but I can assure you it will make people want your life.
Probably not your feet. But your life. 

How to self diagnose why you are screwed up mentally as an adult:
Look through childhood pictures. 
No human being is going to grow up functionally sound after being attacked by sunflowers and a sister who sported a mean mullet...while dressed in what seems to be floral table runners. 

How to ensure your niece will grow up to be screwed up mentally as well:
Make her pose for pictures with demon possessed dolls. 
Sorry girl.

How to get your significant other to actually read your blog:
Tell him you wrote something that you probably shouldn't have. 
That doesn't necessarily need to be true, but it will get them reading.

How to fall in love with life all over again:
Read Ellen DeGenereres's book "Seriously...I'm Kidding

How to feel like a high school girl in a matter of minutes:
Throw on a pair of too short cut-off shorts. 
It will take you back a heck of a lot quicker than laying through 30 different tanning bed sessions.

How to feel like you are trippin' on drugs without actually taking drugs:
Buy the Maskros light from Ikea, hang it in your office, and then play "Some Nights" by Fun.
After dark of course.

And there you have it.
Everything you needed to know about everything.

Except I do have one more thing for you to know...and that is this.

***********************************************************
Today's featured sponsor is Erin from Cali-Land Chic.
So you may have seen yesterday when I posted a picture all over social media of the most amazeballs wood pallet sign ever. It was one of those "Ahhhhh I can't get over how much I love a piece of wood" moments. We've all had em' I'm sure ;) Well, this would be the girl responsible for that sign. 
I mean duh. How talented is she? Erin recently opened up her shop and I can't wait to see what comes of it.
Her signs can be fully customized or she has some lovely premade signs like this, this, and then these pallet photo frames. Because Erin wants you to obsess over your signs as much as I am, use code YELLOW to take 10% off your order. How's that for some mid-week excitement?
Aside from turning wood into beautiful creations, Erin also writes a great blog revolving around marriage, wine, and a ton of awesome DIY projects (I may have just spent way too much time browsing through those). Get to know Erin and her shop better starting.....now.

Blog//Shop//Twitter
 
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56 comments:

  1. Hahaha, I have that same lamp in my master bedroom. When the hubs & I first got it, it took us a while to get used to it. That thing gives people seizures. No lie. Loved this post. =D

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  2. HAHA! Short shorts do bring me straight back to high school :).

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  3. hahaha love this. especially those old pics of you. and i always know how to get out of everything since I am a big ol wimp!

    love that sign!! seriously awesome.

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  4. I'd like to be on a cruise ship instead of sitting at my desk right now. Oh, and you without makeup not as bad as without makeup. Me? Woof.

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  5. I had the same haircut as you when I was little. I still give my mom a hard time about it!

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  6. Loving the sunflower outfit my friend, loving it.

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  7. Baha the one about the light and fun. was my fav! You have such a witty and captivating writing style. Love it! Happy Wednesday!

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  8. hahah i love this! your sister rocks a mean femullet... you know, a female mullet? my mom had my hair cut into a femullet and then made me go to school with it crimped and a ginormous bow in my hair. :)

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  9. The Mac & Cheese bandaids. The sunflower dress. The Ikea light. This is all very overwhelmingly funny and I don't know where to begin.

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  10. This may not be Instagram, but I'm definitely jealous of the cruise! There's gotta be an "all-bloggers cruise" somewhere, right? ...that'd get crazy.

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  11. Lmao i loved this post! i am definitely going to have to try the no makeup look and the short shorts!!
    Stay fabulous!!
    Xo
    glammedbytarin.blogger.com

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  12. That wooden sign is just perfect for your new place! Already stopped by and "hearted" her shop! ;)

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  13. Okay, seriously I love this post! I really might have to steal this idea! I love the one about getting the hubby to read your blog - haha! Gonna try that one tonight :)

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  14. your niece is so cute! love your blog.

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  15. OHHHHHHMYYYYYYGYAHHHHHHHHHHHH! Your sister's mullet is effin' AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!! I laughed. And laughed. And laughed.

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  16. bahaha I totally laughed out loud.

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  17. which color of the LORAC Blush/bronzer do you have?

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    1. love the name! thanks for responding :)

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  18. HAHA! I love this post girl!!
    Especially the house cleaning part!! ;)

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  19. I had that sunflower dress. I'm obviously just as cool and mentally sound :)

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  20. Haha I really needed to know all of this so thank you ;) Too funny!

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  21. I totally agree with the no makeup thing. I never go a moment unless im sleeping without makeup. The hubs would know for sure that something was up if I laid around doing nothing with no makeup on. I do admit the toes over the aqua water made me jealous! I still cannot decide where to take the family on vacation this year! Suggestions?
    XO Brooke

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  22. The childhood pictures made me laugh the most. Sorry. But you posted them!

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  23. That is hilarious! I'll have to check out her blog.

    Sar

    www.etsy.com/shop/owleyevintage

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  24. Hahahahaha...I laughed my way through your post. And your school picture where you are rocking the sunflower dress...I had one exactly like it. I must find it. So funny!

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  25. Meet you on that cruise ship, girl

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  26. love this post lol had me crackin up the whole time but the sister mullet is seriously borderline child neglect I think! hahahaha! ;)

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  27. HAHA these are great! I seriously look forward to your posts because you crack me up!

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  28. Laughing out loud at this - love it!

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  29. You rock. That is the funniest post., I love the part about leaving make up off to fool your husband, the bronzer part, the light, short shorts. All great.

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  30. I am dying over here. Your niece and that doll is too funny.

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  31. I read your blog as often as you post. I luv it (in as non creepy a way as possible). Thank you for being you. Tina x
    http://onegoodth1ngaday.blogspot.co.uk/

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  32. This post made me laugh out loud. You are truly one of a kind and I'm way jealous haha thanks for being so awesome :)

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  33. I love this post! And I love Erin!!!

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  34. You were my coffee date this morning and goodness did you start my day off happy!

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  35. I need to recreate that Caribbean picture ASAP.

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  36. Love it!
    I would agree - no make-up means husband is sure to do all the chores. And I am pretty sure I had that sunflower outfit....Not kidding.
    Thanks for your sweet words lady - you are amazing.
    I need a wine date and a lake house asap.
    <3

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  37. HaHa! Love this & love you! And am SO glad I decided to get you that pillow now, my new BFF! =) LOL! This post is awesome! Hell..they all are! =) Hope you're wonderful, Sweetheart! XO

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  38. I laughed and snorted at the "How to play hookie from cleaning the house" awesome!

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  39. This post made me giggle a LOT. Thank you for sharing!

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  40. hahahaha,,
    you always crack me up. but since i don't wear make up, can you give me some other tips to make my man believe that i really don't feel well enough to clean the house?

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  41. If I had that light, I'd sit under it in my desk chair, looking up at it while spinning. All. The. Time.

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  42. I can't put my finger on it...but this is one of my most favorite posts of yours...maybe it's because your mind is so freakin' random and I wonder how on Earth you come up with the stuff you do. And the random pictures that you take and actually file away for posts like this...I mean really? You so crazy.

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  43. I absolutely loved this post. I about died with how to feel like you're trippin' on drugs. I loved this!
    ~Christine

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  44. Table runner and sunflowers...the 90's were good to you!!!

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  45. Hahhaa, this is awesome! I'm gonna have to try the whole telling my significant other I wrote something I shouldn't have. He just won't get into my blog for some reason. I must give him a reason to!

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  46. Wow! I don't know whether to run to Erin's Etsy shop first or go buy Ellen's book first! What to do, what to do...

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  47. Haha I love this post!! You crack me up :D

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  48. Random question - how do you get bloggers' addresses if you want to send them something?! Whenever I see a post where someone got something, they seem surprised. But wouldn't they have gotten an idea when someone emailed asking for their address?! I'm lost.

    Oh, and I also have an elementary school picture of a flower attacking me. I'll have to try to email that to you, you'd love it!

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  49. I love the childhood photos. Let's be honest, I attribute it all to the massive bows that I had to balance on my head. Brain damage, you know.

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  50. this post is EXACTLY why I love your blog!

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  51. I'm so glad I read this. I saw the title and thought "Wtf?" Hahahaahh. Thanks for the laughs!

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I read and appreciate every one of your comments. Thanks for stopping by my space and sharing a piece of yourself on this huge ole internet. I meant that in the least creepy way possible. I'm just good at making everything awkward. Anyhow, thank you for your comments. They make me smile :)