I really wanted to show up here today and write a carefree, lighthearted, make you giggle a little, type of post. Really I did.
But what you get with me is exactly what I am feeling at the moment of writing.
Some people write their posts days in advance (oh to be that organized) for the week.
Not this girl.
I write, I hit publish, and that's that.
I've been told there is this "save as draft" button on blogger but it's not one I'm accustomed to pushing.
All that to say, I could have great intentions during the day of showing up here in the evening and writing something that will hopefully leave you feeling a little lighter than when you showed up, but what I've discovered over the past two years of blogging is that sometimes you have to offer yourself, just as you are. And the majority of the time, it is the right decision.
I only say the majority of the time because one evening I wrote a post and mentioned how tired I was in it. That sentence caused me to get an email in my inbox that night with the subject line "you are annoying" (you always know it's good when that is the subject line..) and then went on to drop that effin f bomb repeatedly while telling me that all I talk about anymore is how tired I am. I can't help it that my wine induced, candlelit, Pandora orchestrated baths leave me a little exhausted, but they do. Sorry.
So that's where I am at with things tonight.
I come to you exactly as I feel.
And that feeling you ask? Defeated. Lonely. Hopeless. And yes, maybe a little sad.
(I say sad like I didn't fall asleep last night with tears secretly rolling down my face).
I know I have spoke briefly on here before about anxiety and how it has impacted my life, but I don't think I have shed an honest amount of truth on how it absolutely shakes my world up from time to time.
And right now is one of those times.
Here's the thing though. I don't think I actually suffer from anxiety. I am not a stressed out person.
I love the freakin heck out of life. I am happy, I am lighthearted, I am outgoing, I am spontaneous, and I am usually about the least uptight person out there. What I do suffer from however is panic disorder.
Full blown I can't breathe, my heart beats out of my body, sweaty palms, throat closing in, pale face, kind of panic attacks. And the funny thing is, most people wouldn't ever know.
Even my best of friends get surprised when I tell them these things.
My husband though--he always knows when I'm mid panic attack in a group of people.
He acknowledges it by a wink (one of those "hey, it's okay.." winks that I've come to adore, or a swift kick in the shins under the table. For future reference though I prefer the winks thank you very much..)
Anybody else though? I am pretty good at having them fooled (how, I do not know.)
My panic attacks come on in any situation where I feel "trapped" so to speak.
Speaking face to face with somebody/group of people and I feel like all eyes are on me, when I am checking out a cash register, when I am sitting in a meeting, occasionally when I am driving, eating at certain restaurants, and the list goes on on and on.
The minute my mind tells itself "hey--it would be really awkward for you to freak out right now.."
I start freaking out.
Little do most people know, I have suffered from this as long as I can remember.
As a child I cringed going out to eat sometimes. I hated sitting in church. Going to basketball games with my friends felt like torture on occasion. Because while life was happening all around me, I was freaking the freak out inside.
So by now you are all saying "why in the world don't you just get on medication?!"
Well let me tell you..I'd like to think I am capable of getting a grasp on it.
I tell myself that I should believe that prayer should be enough.
And maybe it should. But it isn't.
So instead, I allow myself to suffer from time to time (this all comes in seasons...trust me, if it was constant, I would've started popping pills a long time ago..) and I continually tell myself "you got this..it will stop...eventually you will feel normal.."
Except a new season will come and I am back in that bottomless, lonely, depressing little hole.
Which leads me to my next point.
I am finally doing something about it.
And the angels sang "halle-freakin-lujah".
Well angels probably wouldn't say freakin' but for all practical blogging purposes, let's pretend that they would. I've started doing some research on meds to take---my husband is recommending anxiety books written by cast members of The Jersey Shore (truth), and heck..I've even thrown the idea around in my head of talking to a therapist from time to time.
I've been realizing more and more recently that the greatest power in something like this is acceptance.
Not running...not controlling..not deceiving your mind..but accepting what is before you.
Just to say "Hey. These are the facts. Alone, I can't handle it. So let's do something about it."
So that's where I am at.
I know that I suffer from panic disorder. And it's okay.
Yes, it brings a lot of frustration. Yes, it brings me to my knees in prayer. Yes, it makes me want to scream and kick things. But it's okay. I am happy. I am fortunate. And I am sure as heck not going to stop living this life in the most beautiful and fiercest way possible.
Maybe some of you have never had a panic attack (I secretly hate you. kidding. kinda) and think this sounds like the craziest thing alive "Whaaaaaaat? The girl gets afraid to check out at Target when she is all alone?!?" Yes, yes I do. Or maybe you know exactly how I feel because you suffer from the same thing. In either scenario I think we both have just as much grace to extend to others in this situation.
If you are on the side that I wish I was on, please do not be so quick to judge that somebody is "crazy" because simple tasks make their hearts go absolutely nuts. And if you are on this side of things, never stop telling somebody else who is suffering "hey it's okay..I understand, you are not alone."
More times than not, I thank Jesus that I get to taste this all. That my heart is capable of hurting so strongly for somebody else who deals with these issues. I cry for you people because I know how hard it is. I celebrate with you people when you get through a situation that you didn't think you could. I take comfort from you people in knowing that we aren't alone.
I love each and every one of you (yes even you..the one who sends me emails about how annoying I am..) and I am so thankful that you allow me to show up this personal space of mine every evening and throw out at you whatever my brain/heart wants me to throw out. It really is a gift and I can't say thank you enough. The support we have here is abundant.
Okay I think I am done talking for now. Thanks for listening as always. Come back tomorrow for fun, giggles, and very unimportant topics.
ps. isn't it amazing how good writing something out can make you feel. consider myself refreshed.