9.26.2012

Young Hustlers.

my "I'm going to beat down on some eight year olds" face.
 
Short story for you today.
I just love me some story time.

So this past Saturday I am at home barreling through my emails (six hours doesn’t exactly translate to barreling but whatevs) and my doorbell rings. I always get excited when my doorbell rings and I am at home all alone. Apparently overly excited because the last time this happened I invited the guy inside to eat dinner with me and proceeded to accidentally show him where we keep all of our valuables. That’s a joke. I only showed him where all of the valuables are hidden.
 
Anyhow—low and behold behind my door stands a little elementary school girl with a box full of candy bars. And they were legit candy bars (don’t make me remind you of the time I bought leftover wedding candy in zip lock bags…..) My mind was racing suddenly.
WHAT COULD BE BETTER THAN AN AFTERNOON ALL ALONE AND UNLIMITED CHOCOLATE BARS TO EAT?!?!?!
Nothing. That’s what.
So I told her I wanted to buy four. The only reason I didn’t buy eight was because I knew going into the deal that I was going to have to pay with all quarters. I mean sure, I may have went to the mall once with $86 in change and bought nine shirts (true story), but I was pretty confident this girl’s money pouch only had room for sixteen quarters. No more, no less.
I inform her that I have to pay with all change, so to please excuse me while I go round up all of the quarters that I can find. She laughed at me like I was eight. I should’ve known then.....
 
I bring back my four dollars in quarters, hand it over, and then all of a sudden she starts to walk away and say “Thank You!” Uhhh. Hold the phone. I need my candy bars I inform her. “I already gave them to you” she quickly exclaims. Naturally I make her re-trace every footstep with me throughout my house to prove to her that I did not have the candy bars. She still doesn’t believe me.
I tell her to count all of the bars in her box one by one and do the math to see if she has four extra candy bars. She counts. She sticks to her guns and says some rehearsed line of “Nope, It looks like you already have them..” And before I could make her count a second time, she is out the door thanking me for my money.
 
I was taken by an elementary hustler.
 
I couldn’t even eat the rest of the day (well besides the frozen pizza I made for myself) because I was so distraught.
 
Needless to say, I am never answering my doorbell again.
Well unless I have a strong craving for used wedding candy or have no need for the loose change lying around my house…..
 
Now if you will please excuse me, I am off to file a police report on the Chinese boy who won’t stop touching me when I pick up my chicken fried rice. I could stop going in there, but that would be dumb. Home girl needs her chicken fried rice. Home girl just doesn’t need her butt grabbed in the process. Well, unless Luke Bryan is working at the Chinese place. In which case, home girl needs her butt grabbed.  
 
A day in the life.
I tell you what.

Any young hustlers or Chinese butt grabbers in your life lately? Do tell.

PS. If you are new here in the past few months, you should totally go read this post.
It kills me every time. Every single time.

PPS. Can we just all agree that these band aids are the bees knees?
Thank you so much to Amber for sending these my way. You are the cheese to my noodle.
I want to go like cut myself now or something.
And I never thought I would say those words...... 
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50 comments:

  1. O.M.G. I can't believe that candy bar story happened--that's annoying!

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  2. I legit just read the post about the cake and started dying laughing out loud, snorting and everything...in the middle of the library, where I happen to be writing a paper for grad school (and by that I clearly mean catching up on my blog reading). LOVE your blog, you are too funny for words!

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  3. That story just pleasantly broke up the monotony of my 3 year old playing "ask mom a hundred questions without taking one breath". Thank you. :D

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  4. OMG! That little girl has probably been doing this to who knows how many people in the area! I mean, I give her credit for a)trying it and b)sticking with her story. I seriously am over here giggling to myself.

    I am sorry that you didn't end up with yummy candy :(

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  5. OMG I just read the cake story! That is freaking hilarious!

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  6. That's hilarious. And those band aids are the shiz.

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  7. hahahah this is so funny!! Great story to tell but I would want my candy too!

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  8. That little hustler! How dare she? ;) learning so young, ah.

    Love those band-aids!

    Kayla

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  9. Dude, did you get her name, or the school's name? I'd call and demand 4 chocolate bars be delivered to your house...but then, nobody comes between me and my chocolate!!

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  10. "I'm a hustlah baaaaaby"

    Ummmm...those bandaids are kind of, sort of amazing. Have you been able to find them in stores??

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  11. I'm laughing so hard. Which is magical since I've been a zombie all week, and that's probably the first happy noise I've made.


    I got hustled by a creepy guy on campus once. He kept rubbing my leg and offering to let me have his STD's, if I'd give him $80 for some autistic kid books.Not as cool as your story.

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  12. I'm laughing so hard. Which is magical since I've been a zombie all week, and that's probably the first happy noise I've made.


    I got hustled by a creepy guy on campus once. He kept rubbing my leg and offering to let me have his STD's, if I'd give him $80 for some autistic kid books.Not as cool as your story.

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  13. She is one smart little thief. We're going to see her on the news someday behind some crazy Bernie Madoff-type scandal. I can't believe she actually stuck with her story!

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  14. You need to call that girl's momma! I also just read the cake story. Made my night. :)

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  15. This is an excellent idea. I might try this out from time to time. I mean I do look young enough to pass for an 8th grader trying to make it to an all state band recital or something. But I'd be a picky hustler and only accept quarters.

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  16. those bandaids still just crack me up!

    I was once husteled by some preteen wanting to shovel my driveway. Came three days in a row telling me it'd be $10 to do it. The 4th day I finally had money, asked him how much.... he says, "$10........... each" There were THREE kids. I laughed and told him i'd give them $5 each and we called it good. Shoot they did an amazing job and really deserved $10 each!

    And that cake story! OMG! Hilarious!

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  17. That's hysterical. I wonder if that's her M.O.

    When I was 6 I went door to door in my tap shoes and performed my recital dance and sang. i then held up a basket for donations. When my mom asked me where the bag of money came from and I told her she was horrified and made me give all the money back.

    True story.

    Yesterday I had to pick up PIECES of a dead bunny and my 3 year old handed me a piece of his own poop. I'll take 8 year old hustlers and asian butt grabbers over that any day...

    And this comment is longer than my blog post today...

    #justsayin

    night night

    xoxo

    Jenny

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  18. Wow! What a con artist. I would have stalked her and told her mother what a terrible daughter she raised! LOL.

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  19. Hahahaha! Oh my gosh! When did kids get so smart/devious???!?

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  20. OMG just read the cake story. OMG.

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  21. What a sketchy little girl! I'd be finding her mom and school and ratting her out! Oh my goodness lol. Guess we should look for her to be a millionaire in a few years :P

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  22. What a sketchy little girl! I'd be finding her mom and school and ratting her out! Oh my goodness lol. Guess we should look for her to be a millionaire in a few years :P

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  23. Oh my heck, you are freakin' hilarious!! Love this post!! I'm so sorry about the elementary hustler though dang . . .

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  24. Omg just read the cake story... Hilarious!

    And lol to little miss hustler...they start early nowadays lol

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  25. I am just sitting here with my mouth wide open. What. The. Heck. I wouldn't even know what to do. Just wow.. lol

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  26. Wait, what? I cannot believe this happened. That little chick has some pretty bad karma heading her way...no one gets between a woman and her candy bars. No body.

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  27. omg i cannot believe that a little girl would do that?!!! So cheeky! I would have just kept arguing with her till i got my chocolate! :D

    Just to let you know my last post was about my favourite blogs!! you were one of them you should come and have a look! :D

    http://itsablondeslife7.blogspot.co.uk/2012/09/my-favourite-blog-reads-part-1.html

    Jen xxx

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  28. Oh no she didn't!? I can't believe that!

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  29. OH. MY. GAH. This is hilarious and somewhat completely disheartening that this lttle "innocent" child did this. WOW. GO BUY SOME CHOCOLATE GIRL!! :)

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  30. I would have been so mad. No one comes between me and some candy bars!

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  31. holy crap!! are you freaking serious??? these kids today! i'm legit in shock (as is everyone else) that you got scammed by a child!! i would be so pissed and try to run after her to get my damn candy. i'm shocked. wtf!

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  32. Oh my word!! What a little brat! I can't believe she did that. I wonder how many other people she scammed?? I would have had to hunt her down and tell her parents. You do NOT take someone's well earned quarters and not give them their candy in return. That'll just ruin an entire weekend! I hope the pizza at least softened the blow!

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  33. What a little BRAT!!! I'm the type of person who follows those type of people... all the way until they get home so we can have a nice chat with her parents!! Such ungrateful spoiled kids these days!!

    AND then the a$$ grabbing... I HOPE you regulated!!! NOT okay in my book at allllll!!

    Found you from Lovely Little Things!

    xo, Newest Follower.... Bev

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  34. Okay, that is funny/not funny!! Watch out when the girl scouts come around...

    Lauren
    http://laurencroswell.tumblr.com/

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  35. Wow! She should be a politician when she grows up! I hope you told her that.

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  36. Funniest thing I have read in forever! Love the bandaids... we have hot dog ones... i wear them just because!

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  37. OMG, I can't believe that she did that! Not only did you waste your quarters but you didn't even get your darn chocolate fix! Kids these days. :(

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  38. Haha are you serious? I don't like that little girl, lol. How dishonest!

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  39. OH NOOO! Maybe you could send the little Chinese boy to grab some 8 year old girl butt...that would be awesome revenge.

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  40. You are so funny! I seriously love your blog!

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  41. I'm sure the police are lookin' for her right now ... small hooligan.

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  42. Oh my gosh! After reading this post and then the cake post, I nearly peed my pants. Granted, the baby doing a jig on my bladder isn't helping, but oh so funny! Btw, I would have chased after the little girl and taken my candybars. But then, someone probably would have reported me. The things kids are taught these days! Good grief!

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  43. In my best granny voice"those darn kids these days!" I can't believe you were totally hustled by an 8 year old! For the past two years I've had this chubby 10 yr oldish boy ring our door bell on Halloween and before I can even process a thought he grabs the whole bowl and runs. We should ship these kids away....to a secluded island.

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  44. they teach em young! her mom's been going over that with her for months now- the stone cold face, stick to your guns dialougue. I'm telling you, hood at heart!!!

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  45. You got hustled FOR real! I am seriously dying.

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  46. Ummm...What the heck?!

    The little girl just straight up stole your money?! Now, I'm not one to usually like kids..so I don't think I would have had a problem taking her money bag from her and getting my money back and then accidentally punching her in the face...

    Sheesh...what are they teaching these kids these days. It's a sad world when a child steals money, on purpose.

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  47. OH MY GOD that is outrageous.

    Also, if Luke Bryan starts working at your chinese food place, let me know. I will be there in five minutes.

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  48. Ohmy freaking word! That little witch!

    www.johced-ourjourneytoeverywhere.blogspot.com
    Xxx

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  49. Hilarious! I feel like that's totally something that would happen to me!

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I read and appreciate every one of your comments. Thanks for stopping by my space and sharing a piece of yourself on this huge ole internet. I meant that in the least creepy way possible. I'm just good at making everything awkward. Anyhow, thank you for your comments. They make me smile :)