Heavy Heart.

Let’s just shoot it straight today.
Dear Erin is not happening right now.
I know I said it was going to be every other Tuesday, however it is now going to be
“Any Tuesday that I actually feel like doing it..”
This means it could happen next week, next month, or next year.
It all depends on what my Monday night holds of that week.
And right now my Monday night is holdin’ a bible study that does a pretty good job of consuming my entire evening.

Aside from being pre-occupied physically, I am also feeling pre-occupied mentally.
Sometimes it is hard to be funny, cheery, and lets face it-- meaningless, when there are heavy/hard things happening around you.

Tuesday morning a good family friend of ours is going into surgery to have a large brain tumor and aneurysm removed that he just found out about a week or so ago.
He is laying down on the surgery table not truly knowing if he will wake up.
His four young children and wife will sit in the waiting room for the longest six hours of their life to hear the news that has the power to change their lives forever.
And this my friends, is why my heart is so sad.

Have you ever just stopped and really {we're talking really} thought
"How would I live my life differently if I knew it was possibly going to be my last day on Earth?"
It is one thing to playfully think of ideas and things you would do when seeing the phrase "live everyday as your last". But what if it wasn't just a quote that made you think of how you want to skydive, drink eight margaritas in an hour, or go get that tattoo you have been longing for?
Like you geniunely knew in the bottom of your heart, mind, and soul that today, this day, could really be your last? How would express the love you have for others more deeply and genuinely? Who would you forgive? How would you show gratitude to the ones that you are so thankful for?
Would you spend the day laughing or crying?

These are the things that this man is facing.

I can't even write how my heart feels at this momemt. I sit here and I weep. Like ugly, heartfelt, sobbing tears thinking of this thought. It tears me up inside to put myself in his situation.

How do you let go of a hug that you are giving your children and wife before you go into the operating room? I mean really. How? What do you say in that moment? How do you show to your family that you are strong when you are scared as Hell on the inside?

Friends, I am scared. I am sad. And I am full of confusion. I will never understand why bad things happen to good people. I don't think we are supposed to understand. The answer is on the other side.

With all of that being said, I have hope for this man and I have a good Lord watching over him.

Please if you have a minute, just say a little prayer that he will wake up. That everything will be normal again. And that he will get to hug and kiss his little ones and wife for not just days, but years to come.

Go live today with more love, vigor, and passion than ever before. And be kind to others.
You have no idea what they may be going through.

Love you all so so so much.



  1. Ah! I'm bawling! Love you right back and lots of prayers and thoughts going up for him and his fam and all the people they have touched! XOXO

  2. I'm sending prayers for him and his family. And you too. Life is so great and I know that prayer is powerful.

  3. I have things to say, but the knot in my throat has blocked my fingers, as well. *hugs*

  4. My prayers are with him. A few years ago, a friend of mine had the same surgery, with incredible results. There were a lot of people praying then as well. No matter what, God is good.

  5. Sending lots of prayers and love! Perspective can sometimes smack you down so hard it knocks your breath away... they are God's little reminders to ALWAYS say I love you and let go of the little things! Praying praying praying for you and your friends!!

  6. Oh no so sorry to hear about your friend! I'll be keeping him and his family in my prayers.


  7. thinking and praying for this wonderful man and his amazing family. you are right ... we can't even try to comprehend why these things happen. we just have to have faith. and pray. and keep truckin' onward. not an easy thing at all, but so glad you wrote about it. somtimes that's the first step.

  8. Sending prayers!! My MIL has breast cancer and is having a mastectomy done on Monday and I am terrified!! It isn't brain surgery but it is surgery!! :(

  9. I've said my prayer. Hugs to you!

  10. Honestly it's nice seeing you be honest and having a hard time. I always envy how happy you seem to be all the time thru this blog. Lol now don't get me wrong, I'm so sorry you have a heavy heart but it's times like these where we can really feel God working.

    If you have time please watch this about why God doesn't seem fair http://www.lifechurch.tv/watch/why-2012/3

    And if you really want to hear more I highly recommend the soul detox message part two. It's amazing!!
    Prayers for your friend! I've seen friends who under go brain removal surgeries and be completely healed.

  11. I will be praying for your friend and his family. Stay positive. Give them all that gift. When my 4 year old son went through this exact thing three years ago, it hurt to see the pity in people's eyes. I'm forever grateful for the people who stayed positive and told me everything was going to be ok. They kept me strong. Be strong for them, and give them the gift of faith. They will hold on to your faith when theirs falters.

  12. Wow...I can't even imagine. I will definitely say a prayer for all of y'all to have peace and definitely for him to wake up!


  13. I'm praying for him, his family, and for you!

  14. I think about this ALL the time Erin, sometimes too much. Esp now with kids, I always wonder what if...what if I was taken or God forbid they were taken (I try not to go there too often) so I know the feelings. I will absolutely keep your family friend and YOU in my prayers!

  15. Thank you for this, truly. They as well as you are in my thoughts and prayers.

  16. praying right now....thanks for the reminder to live EVERY day to its fullest...even the tough ones....

  17. Praying!! I'm so sorry to hear about this!! So very tragic!

  18. Thanks for sharing. I recently decided to quit my job so that I can stay home with my daughter and this just drove home that it is the right thing to do. Houses to buy will still be there in five years but my girl will only be little once.

  19. I see you are doing the Me Myself and Lies study - just got done with it:) Good luck cleaning out your thought closet:). Sending prayers!!!

  20. Your post is so touching with the love that you have for your friend and his family. I know your heart is aching. I so understand that. Prayers are going up now for his recovery AND for he and his wife to feel the enormity of their love for each other and to have joy in that love. I pray that they both feel peace, calm and comfort as he is taken into the surgery. I pray this for his kids as well. They have a good and caring friend in you.

  21. My thoughts and prayers are with your family's friend, his family, and yours. The Big Man upstairs will do His thing, don't you worry.

  22. I have this undying fear that I or someone in my family will go through something terrible like that. It's something I think about often, something that influences the long, long hugs I give my husband before he goes to work and the fact that I wish my family could be around me 24/7 so we could savor each second of life.

    Your friend and his family is in my thoughts. I hope for good news on his surgery. I don't know how people function during that sort of a situation.

  23. I'm so so sorry! Praying for y'all!

  24. i hope that these friends of yours feel the overwhelming presence of God as they face tomorrow. your story and questions were an inspiration to me today. hang in there...

  25. Dear Erin,

    Praying for your friend, his family, and you. Keep praying!

  26. Wow. That is all I can say. Being a mom, I can't even imagine what his WIFE is going through, let alone him. I will say a prayer or two (or ten) for this family, as well as for him. May God guide the hands of the doctors and heal him. So sorry, Erin!

  27. You are such a great person!
    I am praying for your friend and his family..I hope everything goes well and you can tell us right afterward that it did!
    Focus on your Bible study-that is where your heart and mind should be.
    Have a great Monday!

  28. This was quite an amazing post. And truly understand the thoughts and feelings you're having and its always nice to see that others have had the same questions. Thinking of only the best for your friend and his family!!!!


  29. Sending love and light, Erin. I believe in the power of prayer. Thank you for sharing what's on your heart & mind.

  30. I was choking back the tears the whole way... Our God is an amazing God and he always manages to surprise us!! Keep your head up girl... Show the world the power of Christ!! I'm sending up prayers for you and his whole family. Remember... Our God is greater, our God is stronger, Our God is higher than any others!!

  31. Praying things will go really, really well for your friend! And although I hate the reason behind it, I love seeing the serious side of you. Can you please be friends? Cause you sound like a pretty darn good one.

  32. The hardest part of times like these are the fact that there's nothing to make it better. There are no exact words to make it better, there is nothing we can do to "fix it". We can only pray, offer our love, support, and constant companionship, as you have done to all of your readers along your journeys.
    I found myself in a similar situation six years earlier. My mother was brought in for emergency surgery and actually met at the ER doors with a team of surgeons. We were told she had less than a 10% chance of survival IF she made it through surgery. All the questions you mentioned, all the 'what ifs' ran through our heads. And six years later, my Mom is still with us and doing remarkably well.
    Sometimes, for reasons unknown to everyone but God, we have to crawl through hell, to get to where we need to be. I wish nothing but the best for your friend and his family and you will all be in my prayers tonight. May God Bless you all <3

  33. Erin, thank you for sharing this story. I don't know if this man is a Christian or not but I do know that God is on the Throne, in complete control and has a purpose and a plan. He see's the whole picture. We see a small window.
    I know how important it is to enjoy life and live life and those that are in your life. I lost half of my family (3) in a minute and 3 years ago came a breath away from losing my own life. It is precious. It is a gift. But we forget and we at times, don't live like it could all end tomorrow.

    My prayers to you for peace and for your friend and his family to know He holds them in His hands.
    He has the power to heal and to turn this into something beautiful. Trust in Him.

  34. ohhh erin, this is a great heartfelt post. i will definitely be praying for him. please update us.

    ps. NEVER ever apologize for not having a "happy" post. we love you because you are REAL.

  35. Our family will be praying for him and his family- and all of his friends and family. My heart hurts for you friend, and him. Love you girl! xo

  36. Him and his family are in my prayers. God doesn't hand us anything he doesn't know we can't handle. He already has a plan for this family and the only thing you can do is trust that He will be with them every step of the way. It's extremely tough saying goodbye, but not knowing if it's forever or a 'see you later' goodbye. It's something I wouldn't wish upon anyone. Ever. And I have a heavy heart for you and your family as you pray and support and worry and wonder and have heavy hearts for this man and his family.
    It's a story that makes you think, but we need to learn how to keep that passion and love for live and others on a consistent basis, not just when we see what life 'could be'...

  37. I'm praying girl - with tears running down my face. This post was deep. This post hit home.

    I always have the hardest time thinking that today could be last because in truth - everyday could be your last, God decides and it could all be over. & that very thought scares the living hell out of me. To think what if today is the last time I kiss my babies. The last time I kiss my husband. The last time they see or speak to me. The last time I feel their little embraces and the tender caress of my husband.

    It scares me and it hurts knowing someone is going through this very thing - even if I don't know him. It breaks my heart. I told myself I wasn't going to cry once I started reading this and I can't stop the tears.

    I pray he wakes up. I pray he still has many days with his kids and his wife. Please keep us updated.

    and sense I'm writing the longest comment ever and thinking about this now I have to say.. I am so glad to have "met" you Erin. From the moment I landed on your blog I loved you/it! You may think your posts are pointless sometimes but when I'm having a down day, I know I can come to your blog and read a post that instantly lifts my spirits. Thank you for being you.

  38. Oh Erin, I am sending good vibes to this family, I can't imagine what they must be feeling. I want to sob thinking of how I would handle hugging my hubby and kids not knowing if I would get to do it again.

    I'm thinking happy thoughts for many more hugs they will share.

  39. My prayers are with you and all my thoughts!!!

    I totally agree though and I know what I would do if I KNEW it were my last day or if I knew the exact time all this would end... yet it's so hard to do all that with all other obligations and esp because I don't know. Such a tough thing.

    I love u and your blog! Thank you for sharing everything with us. Looking forward to good news and a happy May!

  40. Thoughts, prayers and big hugs coming your way!

  41. There is power in prayer. 13 months ago my father in law suffered from a massive stroke, aneursym and brain hemorrhage that left him paralyzed on the left side. Yesterday, he walked from my driveway to my front porch with minimal help from my mother in law and his cane. Miracles do happen. I will be praying for him and his family. Hugs sweetie!

  42. Erin, thinking of you and your friend and his family today. My mom had brain cancer twice and had to have two major surgeries, so I know how you feel. So scary and overwhelming. Best of luck.

  43. I really can't imagine being faced with that, honestly. I am praying for your friend, I hope all goes well and he has many years left. I am so sorry, it must be terrifying for himself and his family

  44. Erin- I love reading your humor most days, but I also love that your heart is so sensitive to the needs of others. Lifting this difficult situation up to God right now. He is in control.

  45. Saying lots of prayers for your friend and his family today!

  46. Thinking of you and your friend and his family.

  47. awww Erin I am so sorry your heart hurts. My thoughts and prayers definitely go out to you and your friend and his family. I can't even imagine.

    Stay strong, sister. Your friend needs your support more than ever right now.

    xoxo MWAH!

  48. I know this post is a few days old, so my comment is too, but I just wanted you to know that my family is praying for you and your friends. What a tough time for you to be going through, but I applaud your candor and how you are reaching out for words of comfort from you bloggy friends. We all obviously love you and hope you are well.


I read and appreciate every one of your comments. Thanks for stopping by my space and sharing a piece of yourself on this huge ole internet. I meant that in the least creepy way possible. I'm just good at making everything awkward. Anyhow, thank you for your comments. They make me smile :)