2.12.2012

My Life Is A Joke.

You think I am kidding.
But I am not.
My reality is weird.
And weird things flock to me 24/7.
Thankfully, I am okay with this as it makes my every day life pretty hilarious.
So today, I thought--maybe I should share with you some of my recent musings.
Kinda like Awkward & Awesome Thursdays.
Just minus the awesome.

Oh, and real quick before we begin--if you are offended by the term "Douche Bag" or would prefer not to see the word "semen" written out..don't proceed.
However, if you love the above words..keep reading.

1. So the other weekend we were at the mall which happens to house an Apple store.
Knowing that I am going to be getting an Iphone 4s as soon as my contract is up
{which is 6 months. which is basically forever.}
I figured "Hey..I should probably go acquaint myself with Siri.
Just so she knows who I am once I actually own her"
So I proceed to find an Iphone, turn Siri on and ask "Hey Siri--how are you today?!"
to which she replies
"I am fine. How are you douche bag?!"
Uhhhhh no you didn't.
"Why did you just call me a douche bag Siri?!?"
"Because you are a douche bag"
I have no words.
Needless to say, Siri is on my bad side for the time being.
Punk.

2. The other day I was getting out of my husband's car.
And as I shut the door, I shut my puffy vest in with it.
However, I did not know this.
So I started to walk away from the car--when all of a sudden I felt myself attached.
We were in a public parking lot, meaning people were walking towards me.
All I could do is stand there and laugh.
And then proceed to yell to my husband "Shawn--I am stuck!"
"Shawn--I can not walk! Seriously look at me! I am stuck!!"
After what seemed like forever, I was miraculously released from the car door.
As for the puffy vest?
That's called skill people.

3. So my job is answering phone calls at a local credit union right?
Well, I answer the call and the lady on the other end wants to know if there are any credit unions close to her.
I ask where she is located and she replies "Seaman, Ohio"
Except, I didn't know it was spelled Seaman as my mind only knows one type of semen.
So idiot me asks
 "Okay, and how do you spell that--S-E-M-E-N?!?"
Silence.
"Uhhh no. S-E-A-M-A-N"
It was not one of my finer moments in the call center that day.

4. Speaking of jobs--we had to have a woman come to our home last week to collect a pee sample for Health Insurance purposes.
You think your job is bad.
At least you don't have to show up to complete strangers doors and say:
"Hi. I'm here to collect a urine sample"
all while slapping on your rubber gloves and whipping a tube out of your pocket.
Oh, and try making small talk with a pee test collector.
It's not the easiest thing in the world.
Just sayin'.

5. The same day as the puffy vest story, the husband and I were doing some shopping in
 Bath & Body Works.
Just to clarify--I was doing some shopping in Bath & Body Works.
My husband just happened to be drug into the store with me.
Anyhow.
I did what I always do and smell every freakin' candle they have out.
Except this time I was excited that I had somebody to converse with about the scents.
A little too excited you could say because all of a sudden I was yelling across the store
"Oooooh...now this one would be good in that bathroom!!!"
"Smell this--Now that's the one we need for the bathroom"
"Oh wait no..this. This is so the one for the bathroom"
You know how adults have to come up and grab their little child by the arm and exclaim
"BE QUIET!"
I was the little child.
Guess you could say, some of us are a little shy when it comes to which scent our bathroom will house.

..On a much more awesome note, I did not get dressed yesterday.
Literally.
The entire day was spent in a robe and slippers.
Try that one on for size.


Share/Bookmark

37 comments:

  1. Hahaha as awkward as your life might be...it is hilarious.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I LOVE slipper and robe day! LOVE love l.o.v.e.

    rach
    modestesmusings.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  3. Just stumbled across your blog and I read post after post. So entertaining. Glad I found you!

    Taylor
    www.thedailytay.com

    ReplyDelete
  4. those are really funny. especially the phone one. my husband asked siri to marry him and she said "that is not in my contract." now i'm sure others have heard that one - your response - haven't hear that one before! have a good week!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I have a iphone and I am NOT surprised!!! Silly Siri

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hahaha!! Siri. What a bitch. But I love it!!

    And what the heck is that flaming E for?! Did I miss something???

    ReplyDelete
  7. HAHAHA & this is exactly why I love reading every post of yours! You bring a little smile into my life everyday :) Thanks haha

    ReplyDelete
  8. Even though I said I was boycotting you, I cannot resist your quirkiness. The vest story? Uh that's me! Only I am not so lucky :(
    Glad to see no cheese dip was involved in the making of the post :P

    xoxo Meghan

    ReplyDelete
  9. OMG hahaha that Siri comment had me cracking up so bad. That is way too funny

    ReplyDelete
  10. bahahahaha. I just died laughing!!

    I cannot believe Siri talked to you like that! How rude! hehe

    Also, don't feel bad, I shut my hair in car doors ALL THE TIME! So glad it didn't rip your vest!

    The semen thing is totally something I would say! lol

    ReplyDelete
  11. Yep. Just last night my husband had to scold me for exclaming too loudy I wanted some fries while at church. In the middle of sermon. While we were praying. Oops. Sorry God! ;)

    XO!

    ReplyDelete
  12. You are brave for pissing off Siris. I am afraid she will get into all my accounts and wipe them dry.
    Girlie Blog Seattle - Beauty Tips, Makeup How To, Seattle Lifestyle

    ReplyDelete
  13. Hahahaha! This entire post had me cracking up!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Hahaha, just got up, read your post and I'm pretty sure I'll be smiling all day :)

    ReplyDelete
  15. Haha! Love this! You always make me smile. Siri is not all she is cracked up to be. She gets defensive with me at times.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Oh Erin....this is why we love reading your blog hun! Did you know Siri will also inform you where a brothel is near you. (yes I know this).As for the being loud in public....Ill send you shopping with Boomer and Ill go with Shawn. Problem solved.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Siri made such a great first impression eh?
    You only wait 6 months, I have about 14 months before I can get one. I'm currently using the crap iPhone 3GS after my hubby has used it for a couple years. :-( I can't even find a case for the dumb thing now lol

    Mmm pee in a cup....semen...all in one post?! Lol so funny.

    P.s. I have a giveaway on my blog right now if you have time to stop by ::-)

    ReplyDelete
  18. If number 1 really happend, that is beyond hilarious!! And I heart bathrobe and slipper days...esp on super cold days when I dont wanna face the harsh snow

    ReplyDelete
  19. Love this! :) I am not a huge fan of Siri either. Mine always says "I cannot help you right now Carolyn." Not helpful. I live in my puffy vest, and am really surprised I've never shut it in the door. *knocks on wood*. I'm totally "that kid" in the store that gets excited about every single thing. HAHA

    ReplyDelete
  20. I have Siri, and don't care for it. It's so useless (works NOTHING like the commercials!!!) that I never use it. If I had it to do other again, I definitely would not have paid the extra money for it. Especially if she called me a douchebag.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Did you know according to Siri the meaning of life is chocolate and she refers to me as "our house!" Yeah she can be a d-bag herself lol Fabulous post!!
    -Meesh :)

    ReplyDelete
  22. Omigosh I love this! I am glad to know I am not alone in the world of awkward...my boob popped out at yoga last week...now THAT was awkward.

    ReplyDelete
  23. My Hubs is always embarassed by me screaming at him across the store about something. Maybe if he didnt wander away when i had important things to discuss... (like pillow with ruffles or flowers) i wouldnt have to yell!

    ReplyDelete
  24. siri is a punk. not that i know. i'm in the same boat as you. another month and a half til my contract is up. on a happier note, maybe your 6 months will give time for teh iphone 5 to come out. then you'll be super cool. lucky! okay. that was weird. the puffy vest was my 2nd favorite thing. siri was my 1st. you should have punched her in the face.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Hi there!
    I'm a new reader of yours, thanks to The Daybook. :)
    1, I can totally relate to the bathroom candle thing... except I'm 17. so my mom sometimes still does grab her little 17-year-old child by the arm and exclaim "BE QUIET!!!"
    *sigh*
    2, Just wanted to let you know, you will be featured on my blog Sunday, February 26 as part of my "Blog Gawker Sunday" series.
    Don't get excited.
    My blog is very new, very small, and very unpopular.
    All the same, I just wanted to let you know :) No need to reciprocate.

    Much love and keep up the great work! Your posts always manage to bring a smile to my face.

    ReplyDelete
  26. You are hilarious. I would comment more but it would probably be the same length of your post because I thought each and every point was hilarious!!

    B&BW candle story real quick....My MIL got me a candle from there as part of my bday gift. I opened it yesterday while sitting on her couch with her and my husband. Apparently I was overly excited about the Cupcake scented candle because my husband looked at me and said "why are you so loud?!" hahah oops!! I understand your excitement!

    ReplyDelete
  27. OMG, Siri! Did you let the people at the store know? There are people without your sense of humor that might get really pissed off lol.

    My sunday was spent in pjs too, isnt it the best?

    ReplyDelete
  28. I love this! my favorite is 'douche bag' though. I just saw that commercial yesterday showing how you can say 'siri, please call me _____'....so now I am imagining some high schooler punks in the apple store telling all the siris to call people douche bag. that's going to go down as a classic 2012 high school angst move. I just know it! Ok, gotta jet so I can tell my siri to refer to me only as 'awesomeness'.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Precisely the reason I went with the 4. I don't need some PHONE calling me a douche bag! HA! SO FUNNY!

    Happy Monday!

    ReplyDelete
  30. I am so glad I found your blog! You crack me up!

    P.S. Not Getting Dressed days are my absolute favorite!

    Jessica

    ReplyDelete
  31. your blog is quickly becoming one of my favorites.

    semen... love that. and im glad your puffy vest is okay :)

    ReplyDelete
  32. Siri seriously needs a course in etiquette, I do believe!
    haha...O....M...G....semen. I seriously can't stand it, I'm bursting at that one. ; ) haha...!

    ReplyDelete
  33. Okay... this was an awesomely hilarious post. Wow!

    ReplyDelete

I read and appreciate every one of your comments. Thanks for stopping by my space and sharing a piece of yourself on this huge ole internet. I meant that in the least creepy way possible. I'm just good at making everything awkward. Anyhow, thank you for your comments. They make me smile :)