My Life Is A Joke.

You think I am kidding.

But I am not.

My reality is weird.

And weird things flock to me 24/7.

Thankfully, I am okay with this as it makes my every day life pretty hilarious.

So today, I thought--maybe I should share with you some of my recent musings.

Kinda like Awkward & Awesome Thursdays.

Just minus the awesome.

Oh, and real quick before we begin--if you are offended by the term "Douche Bag" or would prefer not to see the word "semen" written out..don't proceed.

However, if you love the above words..keep reading.

1. So the other weekend we were at the mall which happens to house an Apple store.

Knowing that I am going to be getting an Iphone 4s as soon as my contract is up

{which is 6 months. which is basically forever.}

I figured "Hey..I should probably go acquaint myself with Siri.

Just so she knows who I am once I actually own her"

So I proceed to find an Iphone, turn Siri on and ask "Hey Siri--how are you today?!"

to which she replies

"I am fine. How are you douche bag?!"

Uhhhhh no you didn't.

"Why did you just call me a douche bag Siri?!?"

"Because you are a douche bag"

I have no words.

Needless to say, Siri is on my bad side for the time being.

Punk.

2. The other day I was getting out of my husband's car.

And as I shut the door, I shut my puffy vest in with it.

However, I did not know this.

So I started to walk away from the car--when all of a sudden I felt myself attached.

We were in a public parking lot, meaning people were walking towards me.

All I could do is stand there and laugh.

And then proceed to yell to my husband "Shawn--I am stuck!"

"Shawn--I can not walk! Seriously look at me! I am stuck!!"

After what seemed like forever, I was miraculously released from the car door.

As for the puffy vest?

That's called skill people.

3. So my job is answering phone calls at a local credit union right?

Well, I answer the call and the lady on the other end wants to know if there are any credit unions close to her.

I ask where she is located and she replies "Seaman, Ohio"

Except, I didn't know it was spelled Seaman as my mind only knows one type of semen.

So idiot me asks

 "Okay, and how do you spell that--S-E-M-E-N?!?"

Silence.

"Uhhh no. S-E-A-M-A-N"

It was not one of my finer moments in the call center that day.

4. Speaking of jobs--we had to have a woman come to our home last week to collect a pee sample for Health Insurance purposes.

You think your job is bad.

At least you don't have to show up to complete strangers doors and say:

"Hi. I'm here to collect a urine sample"

all while slapping on your rubber gloves and whipping a tube out of your pocket.

Oh, and try making small talk with a pee test collector.

It's not the easiest thing in the world.

Just sayin'.

5. The same day as the puffy vest story, the husband and I were doing some shopping in

 Bath & Body Works.

Just to clarify--I was doing some shopping in Bath & Body Works.

My husband just happened to be drug into the store with me.

Anyhow.

I did what I always do and smell every freakin' candle they have out.

Except this time I was excited that I had somebody to converse with about the scents.

A little too excited you could say because all of a sudden I was yelling across the store

"Oooooh...now this one would be good in that bathroom!!!"

"Smell this--Now that's the one we need for the bathroom"
"Oh wait no..this. This is so the one for the bathroom"

You know how adults have to come up and grab their little child by the arm and exclaim

"BE QUIET!"

I was the little child.

Guess you could say, some of us are a little shy when it comes to which scent our bathroom will house.

..On a much more awesome note, I did not get dressed yesterday.

Literally.
The entire day was spent in a robe and slippers.
Try that one on for size.